Monster Truth!

By David Lion Rattiner

The mystery of the Montauk Monster has been solved, or at least that's what Fox News has reported. No, it wasn't a monster that showed up from Plum Island and it wasn't a dead alien from outer space either.

A blogger named Drew Grant has claimed that his friend admitted to him over lunch exactly what happened with the Montauk Monster. Mr. Grant did not want to give away the name of his friend in the story for protection, but what he says is the most believable of all the Montauk Monster theories that we've heard. According to Mr. Grant, his friend admitted to him that he was one of the guys behind the Montauk Monster and what actually happened that it was nothing more that a dead raccoon that was set on fire, wrapped in a plastic garbage bag and an inflatable child's swimming duck, then tossed out to sea.

The friend of Mr. Grants went on to explain that the summer debauchery did not end with the dead raccoon that was "mutated" into the Montauk Monster that so many across the whole nation became intrigued by. Even Stephen Colbert of the "Colbert Report" made the correct call on Monty the Montauk Monster, saying that the entire nation was looking at a "dead dog for the last three weeks."

Not dog, raccoon, burned with plastic melted to its body. Terrible.

The model citizens that are Mr. Grants friend's admitted that they were involved in a water boarding competition and a "clothespins-on-your-genitals challenge." That's a direct quote from Fox News.

Back to Contents