Montauk Pioneer - August 22, 2008

It's a Monster Mash! Even the Montauk Monster would be shaking in its rubbery carcas if it saw south Texas' latest gruesome discovery: El Chupacabra. This monster, known as the legendary drinker of goat blood, was found in Cuero in DeWitt County last week. Deputy Sheriff Brandon Riedel and his officer Ellie Carter were on patrol when they stumbled upon a hairless dog-like creature running along the side of the road.

According to Carter, "We were checking fences when this thing jumped out as us......I shouted, 'it's a Chupacabra!' I recognized it instantly from TV. It had big teeth, a big head, short legs in the front and long legs in the back."

Police officers took this as a serious case as it was only last August when a Chupacabra was blamed for the death of at least 30 chickens on a nearby farm. The chickens were drained of their blood through two puncture holes that were made on their otherwise undamaged bodies. The farm's owner, Phyllis Canion, handed over the animal for DNA analysis and after investigation, Texan scientists said the perpetrator was likely a coyote crossed with a grey fox. For all you science fiction people out there, I know what you're thinking: it was not a fox; it was most certainly a vampire.

No one really knows where the Chupacabra originated. Some say Puerto Rico, others say Mexico or even South America. Some say that millions of years ago, aliens came to this planet with a Chupacabra as a pet, but mistakenly left it here while leaving in a rush. But it could just be that the Chupacabra is a distant cousin of Big Foot. Anything is possible.

However, there is one thing does not match up about this alleged Chupacabra sighting. Legend says that these monsters are supposedly the size of a small bear with pointy spikes running down their backs, but looking at the picture, it is easy to see that this creature is in fact no bigger than a Chihuahua and is in fact, spikeless. As far as the baldness goes, I think I agree with the alien myth. When the aliens left, the fire from the explosion of the rocket probably set the animal ablaze, burning off all of its fur and giving it that somewhat charred look. To be honest, it looks like a cousin of Sam, the three-time winner of the World's Ugliest Dog Contest.

Other Chupacabra sightings have been as far south as Chile and Argentina and as far north as Maine in the United States. Similar-looking animals have been spotted as well in Russia and the Philippines just to name a few.

The discovery of this beast has taken Texans for a whirl. At least when we found our Montauk Monster, it was dead. Imagine finding something equally, if not more, hideous, scurrying about through your underbrush. I think it's safe to say that what we've experienced here on Long Island is nothing compared to what local Texans survived down in Cuero. By now I think it is pretty safe to say that we have entered a new era: The Monster Age.