Dan's Papers - March 21, 2008 - The Sheltered Islander By Sally Flynn

Sun. Feb. 24, 8:12 AM ET - A man fighting with his girlfriend clung to a car roof and punched her through the window as she drove more than a mile on a busy road, hitting several other cars, police said. The man apparently jumped onto the car and held on as his girlfriend wove along Route 202 with the car's air bag inflated. He was treated for a foot injury, she for eye and head wounds, police said.

I have tried time and again to tell women, there is a way to use a car as a weapon and a way not to.

DON'T drive around with men hanging off the roof or hood of your car. If they're on the roof, they could dent the car. If they're on the hood, not only can they dent the car, but they can also impair your view. And if it's a hot day and your windows are down, their screaming can make listening to music difficult.

However, if you do find yourself driving with a man on the car (and who hasn't on occasion?) don't slow to a stop and allow him to climb off the car. He'll get right in, and probably with an attitude. Best thing is to point the car toward some soft-looking bushes somewhere, go fast and hit the brakes hard enough to shoot him off the hood and into the brush. He'll be stunned for at least a minute and you can get turned around and get away in that time.

DON'T drive with your man in the passenger seat if you can help it. Unless he's unconscious, inebriated or holding a pressure bandage over a wound, let him drive. The aggravation you have to endure while he criticizes your driving isn't worth it. Not to mention, he has no idea how to beat children in the backseat with one hand while driving with the other. And wrangling a car phone, coffee and reading directions at the same time - forget about it. Just let him drive while you do all those logistical things. It makes him feel important. Also, while he's driving is the best time to mention the car needs gas, oil or water. Car maintenance things make them feel like we need them. Not to mention, they can't trust you to put in the right weight of oil, amount of water, or type of gas. Pretend you need them. It comes in very handy.

DO keep a Tupperware bowl with a shaker spout filled with sand in the car, out of sight. You can always sprinkle sand in his toolbox, boots or lunch. He won't suspect you because he's on the Island and sand happens. This way you can be assured he'll experience intense irritation that cannot be traced to you. What is better than that?

DO keep a tube of lipstick that is NOT your color in the car. If you've screwed up and need to distract him from being justifiably angry at you, smear some of that lipstick on his collar or shoulder and just when he gets in the door and starts revving up for the fight, shout, "Hold on Mac! WHAT IS LIPSTICK DOING ON YOUR COLLAR?" He'll have no idea, so he'll get befuddled, and since men can't multi-task or multi-think, he'll be too worried about explaining the lipstick to yell about the broken bumper. Devious? Yes. Underhanded? Yes. Effective? Big yes.

DO keep some empty beer cans and a small zip-lock bag full of cigarette butts in the car. In the event you have a small accident, park the car around the corner from your house, right where you think your man would park it if he was trying to hide it from you. Fill the ashtray with the cig butts and toss the beer cans on the floor on the passenger side. Go home and ask your man if he lent the car to one of his friends. He'll say no. Tell him the car is missing! When he calls the police, they'll find the car close by, with nothing missing, and a little damage. It will look like some kids took it for a joyride. Be sure to act very angry and upset about the damage. The more he has to calm you down, the less upset he'll be about the car. Most men would rather face a stampede of elephants or hold a tiger by the tail than deal with a hysterical woman. They can't stand it. When we're angry or upset, it doesn't matter where they are in the house. They can feel our emotions right through the walls, and they have to calm us down or leave. Hysterical upset trumps car damage every time.

Remember, cars are to men what jewelry is to us. That's right, viable as weapons or rewards in the war of the sexes.