Dans Hamptons

For the last couple of years there have been too many females sleeping in my queen-sized bed. It’s playing havoc with my relationship. I’ve had terribly fitful sleep and disturbed nights, making me grumpy and unpleasant to sleep with. I’ve been begging my husband for a king-sized bed ever since the arrival of Piper the pup, who sleeps in the cutest ball between the two of us. Unfortunately, my hubby and I are at odds about the importance of this rather expensive purchase. When we first got Piper, we tried to make her sleep on the floor next to our bed, but her persistence and our lack of dedication to the concept, especially when Piper gives us “that” look, using her big brown eyes to full advantage was unsuccessful. Before we knew what had happened, there are now three bodies sleeping on our QUEEN-sized bed. Or are there more?

My husband sleeps like a log, Piper like a dog and I dream, (when I remain asleep long enough), of a bigger bed. Then I saw a “Ray” of hope, in an episode of Rachel Ray (yes, I’m confessing, I occasionally watch). I became hooked by one particular segment, after hearing the promotional tag line which went something like, “Tune in to find out why you MUST change your bed every five years.” Hmm… Our bed is practically an antique, at the ripe age of eight. I turned up the volume and settled in, but as I watched on, I became even more certain that I needed a new bed and beyond that, was completely grossed out!

It turns out that not only are there three of us in bed every night, there are in fact thousands sleeping in our extraordinarily over-crowded bed! Ray was featuring advice from housekeeping guru and author of The Accidental Housewife, Julie Edelman.

The following is taken from the transcripts of the show, which aired January 22, 2007.

Begin transcript: “Dust mites feed on dead skin cells, which means your hair, skin, even dandruff are meals for these microscopic pests. “In one bed, over a course of time, you can have 100,000 to 10 million of these dust mites,” explains Julie. “One single dust mite will produce 20 droppings. Do the math.” Allergies are caused by these droppings, not the mites themselves. To help cut down on allergy symptoms and the mites themselves — because you can’t really get rid of all of them — wash your sheets regularly (every two weeks) in really, really hot water, and try a dust mite mattress covers or fitted sheet. Julie also recommends vacuuming the bed and changing the vacuum bag because mites can live in there. Even so, she suggests getting a new mattress every five to seven years.” End transcript.

I didn’t know whether to be excited that I had a good excuse for a new bed, or just so grossed out that I’d sleep on the floor until we got a new one.

Buying a mattress every five years is no small feat. But it’s nothing compared to the thousands of creepy crawly feet that are running around your mattress. Oh, and according to Edelman, pillows should be replaced every three years. I thought that Peter (my hubby) would definitely concede. But instead, much to my chagrin, he simply ordered a dust mite mattress cover! (If anyone wants to start a petition, they can e-mail me at samaltea@cs.com.)

We’ve all heard the saying, don’t let the bed bugs bite…but until recently this has been a funny, almost non-sensical saying. Bed bugs, which are about 1/4 of an inch in length, have no wings and are an oval, shaped pest. Pesticides nearly wiped out their species in the 1950s, but bed bugs are back with a vengeance, even making headlines around the country. Only days ago I saw a news segment featuring the pesky little blighters who had infested a cruise ship leaving it’s passengers with sore itchy red lesions. Bed bugs don’t carry disease and so they’re not particularly dangerous. Although they do suck on your blood while you’re sleeping and the lesions they leave behind can really bug you.

Naked to the human eye, bed bugs can appear as nearly white, light tan, or deep brown/burnt orange in color. So, if you see something akin to this in your bed, lesions on the skin similar to a mosquito bite, or, even more disgusting, tiny spots of blood (fecal spots) you might want to call your pest control specialist. But don’t panic, even though they are making a comeback, bug beds are still relatively rare.