Dan's Papers - March 13, 2009 -

A man in Riverhead was arrested after police caught him attacking a fire extinguisher at a gas station. The man was charged with criminal mischief in the 4th degree. The fire extinguisher was bruised up pretty badly, but seems to be doing fine and is just anxious for this whole ordeal to be done with so he can get back to work.

A man in East Hampton called police after he saw a young man he didn't know climbing on the roof of his house. The owner of the house attempted to catch the young man on the roof, but was unsuccessful. There have been no other ninja sightings reported. There was no damage to the home.

In Westhampton Beach there is a serious legislation on the table that would give police the authority to decide whether or not music is too loud instead of having the current code, which requires musicians to keep music under 65 decibels. The original code isn't working well because it's difficult to enforce, since the decibel reader they use never works quite right. The new solution on the table will leave it up to the officers discretion. Oh, I'm sure everybody now feels much better about this idea because after all, isn't it just awful when musicians play outside in the street to entertain everybody? WE MUST PUT A STOP TO THIS ATROCITY! What the hell is happening around here?

A man in East Hampton was arrested after he was spotted stumbling around in the middle of the road, blocking traffic. Police found the man to be completely intoxicated as he was nearly hit by several cars that passed by him. Police escorted the man back to his home and advised him to sleep it off. Ten minutes later, police found the man AGAIN walking in the middle of the street. The man tried to argue with police that he shouldn't be arrested because he was not driving drunk.

A man in Southampton was stopped by police for having illegally tinted windows. When police went to issue the man a ticket. The man, a well known celebrity, then wanted to know if it was illegal for him to drive while wearing a mask.

A man in Southampton got extremely intoxicated and decided that it would be a good idea to jump in a swimming pool at his neighbor's house. The man ran outside in the cold wearing a bathing suit and leaped into a swimming pool. Unfortunately for him, the swimming pool was frozen solid. The man injured his leg, but did not need medical attention. He did need some aspirin and a V8 with Tabasco the next day.

On Shelter Island, a report came in through the wire that a dead deer was on the side of the road. When a police officer arrived to the scene, the woman who originally made the call picked up the deer herself off of the side of the road and told police at the scene that she was going to take it away and cook it and eat it. The deer was reportedly tagged. The woman is planning on opening a new restaurant called, "Roadkill Grill, You Kill 'Em We Grill 'Em"