Dan's Papers - March 13, 2009 - How To Be A North Fork Enumerator

Everybody's talking about money lately so I thought I'd better go out and get a really good-paying job. Since players have already reported, I figured I couldn't get work with the Yankees. And from what I hear, some businesses are limiting CEO salaries to $500,000. I'd like a bit more. So I decided to work for the U.S. government.

It happened like this. In my North Fork library I picked up a flier for Census 2010. It said I could earn "good pay" and serve my North Fork community at the same time. All I had to do was call a certain phone number and schedule a test. Now I'm good at passing tests. I got my driver's license first try, always scored 100% in my grade-school spelling tests and even passed Physics Regents in high school.

Confident then, I called the number on the flier, ready for my career in government. First, I learned that my job title would be ENUMERATOR. While not as prestigious as senator or president, enumerator sounded important. We were off to a good start.

Then I got the information about the test I'd have to take. Twenty-eight multiple-choice questions to be answered in 30 minutes. Whew! I'd have to get a decent night's sleep before the test. I'd need to think fast.

Happily, the census-phone lady said if a person fails, the test can be retaken on another day. Oh, I'd have to bring a passport or other ID to the test site. And I could take the test in Cutchogue Library. Close to home. The test would include map reading, basic math and following instructions. No problem.

Well, yes, there was one problem. The test began at noon and I couldn't get to the library before 12:30. Solution? I'd take the test on another day. But I'd still go to the library around 12:30 and check out test-takers. I could kinda scout the scene and then tell you about it in case you want to be an enumerator and get rich, too.

Now I know there are thousands of folks on the North Fork. They all have to be counted in the census. That would mean the government would need more than one enumerator. Maybe everyone who took the test at the library will become an enumerator. I can't reveal the names of those test-taking North Forkers. I might get in trouble with the FBI or Homeland Security. Though I will tell you that some who took the test were as young as 18 while others were over 60. Maybe even 70. A few more women than men. Their homes were in Riverhead all the way to East Marion.

Of course I don't know the specific questions on the test. If this government is as smart as it says it is, I think there'll be different questions on each test. You can, however, see some sample Census 2010 questions on the Internet. For instance this: Multiply 1.5 by 6.3. I'm a little confused about those dots between the numbers but the guy across the street from me teaches at Mattituck High School and I bet he can help me.

My suggestion is that all prospective test-takers learn how to spell Arshamomaque and Kimogenor. Those are two North Fork words I never learned in school. And sharpen a couple of soft-lead pencils. Finally, find out if it's OK to accept a cup of coffee from a North Forker whose doorbell you ring. Going house-to-house sounds like thirsty work but you just can't flaunt Census 2010 rules.

The Census 2010-lady who administered the test at the library was very courteous. Unfortunately, she said she couldn't give me her name. She did say, however, that completed tests would be sent to "headquarters." I knew enough not to ask where that is.

In the library, nine tables were set up with two or three test-takers at each. The candidates worked hard, heads bent down over the test. I thought about asking them all to lunch at the re-opened Fisherman's Rest, right up the road. We could get a few pizzas.

But after the test, the North Forkers rushed to their cars. Practical North Fork vehicles like a Dodge Ram and a 1990s Oldsmobile. Vehicles made to travel our narrow farm roads, dirt paths - to count every blessed person.