Dan's Papers - March 13, 2009 - Rhyme Nor Reason - How Not to Look Old? Sound Old? Be Old?

If we're lucky, we'll live to be very old. If we are unlucky or simply don't care, we'll also look very old along the way.

A lot of books are sent to Dan's Papers. Some go to reviewers, some are dispensed as gifts, some are pilfered for personal use and others are good for a laugh. When the book, How Not to Look Old (Charla Krupp, Stonesong Press, 2008) came in, the title and the concept gave us all a chuckle.

I must admit, I was a bit intrigued. I hadn't thought about a makeover for a while. Maybe it was time to give it some attention or at least get a few quick tips. After all, I'd had misconceptions in the past about style and age-related issues.

In my early teens, I thought that by the time I was 30 I'd have an up-do with a barrette, sport white patent leather pumps and carry a matching bag. When I got there, with moussed hair, snazzy boots and a suede sack, I was relieved I hadn't turned into my childhood image of a grown up lady. But like any baby boomer, I also believed that the things that happened to my parents wouldn't happen to me. Including getting old. Of course as I got older, I realized that the issue wasn't getting old as much as it was looking old. Then as I got even older, I realized that looking old isn't just about aesthetics - just ask Nora Ephron about her neck (which I did last summer). Looking old means facing your mortality every time you see your reflection. It's a detour sign pointing down a one-way street.

So I eagerly flipped through the pages of How Not to Look Old (which, begins the definition of old at age 40). There were photos of Hollywood types, comparing their hairdos from one year to another. That long hair parted in the middle on Salma Hayek in 1997 really was horrible now now that I looked at it. A woman with a face like that should go to any lengths to find a flattering hairstyle. It's a wonder it didn't give me nightmares. Hayek's 2007 hairstyle with bangs was such an improvement. She actually looked pretty. Imagine, Salma Hayek looking pretty. Now that's an accomplishment. I'd better read on.

The book's subhead is "Fast and effortless ways to look 10 years younger, 10 pounds lighter, 10 times better." Who doesn't want to look thinner quickly? I thumbed frantically to that section, thinking I'd see a lot of one-color ensemble silhouettes (as I write this, I'm wearing a celery cashmere sweater and celery cords - sure beats actually having to eat celery). As it turned out, the chapter was called "Learn to Love Shapewear" - those modern Spandex body girdles, a far cry from the rubber tube my mother shimmied into and much more comfortable, if you don't mind the feeling being wrapped in an Ace bandage. Shapewear falls in the same category as Land's End's Tugless Tanks, which are better known as Tug This Tank, or I Look Like a Tank. (Note to self: Contact Land's End marketing department and find out which focus group thought it was advantageous to associate the word 'tank' with a women's bathing suit.)

In any case, at the top of the opening page of the chapter on Shapewear, and of every other chapter, is a claim of how many years will actually be shaved off your look if you take the suggestions. Shapewear can make you look 10 years younger. The right stockings and hairless legs can shave off five years. Wearing the right evening clothes (just enough skin and bling) can make you look eight years younger. Eight? Not nine? Or seven? I think leaving that enormous, discolored cameo broach in the drawer rather than pinning it to your crocheted gray sweater would easily put you a generation ahead.

Wearing the right heels will make you look three years younger. While I'm not a proponent of Uggs in the workplace, I do wear comfortable yet fashionable shoes. Is the discomfort and shame that comes with squeezing my feet into emerald green stilettos with a black lace pattern - as I sit at the computer at Dan's Papers - worth the three years it could take off my visual age?

Getting rid of bushy eyebrows can take off four years. What if you're Frieda Kahlo? Is it more than that? What if you're Salma Hayek playing Frieda Kahlo with your hair parted in the middle. I can't even begin to calculate that.

We've all seen face masks - not the kind you wear at home at night to create a healthy glow, but the kind that are created by using a dark base down to the jaw line, keeping your neck pasty white. Avoiding that, according to How Not to Look Old, can make you look four years younger, not to mention 100 IQ points smarter.

Under the "Look X years younger" header in each chapter is the phrase, "Nothing ages you like..." Here are some of the things that I've learned are age accelerators:

Looking like you tried too hard

Looking like you didn't try at all

There should probably be a sequel to this book - How not to Sound Old - that might include phrases and words like:

"Back in ought eight..."

"Is that a marijuana cigarette?"

"I love Madonna's new album."

And anyone over 40 saying: rad, yo, solid, phat or homie.

As far as the sequel, How Not to Be Old? Let's not go there. After all, the alternative is deadly.