Dan's Papers - March 7, 2008 - The Sheltered Islander By Sally Flynn

German puts out cigarette with fire extinguisher, Tue. Feb. 19, 2008. BERLIN (Reuters) - A virulent anti-smoker in Germany was so angry when his girlfriend lit up, he emptied a fire extinguisher to put out the cigarette, caking her and their apartment in powder. After the woman ignored his request not to smoke, the 42-year-old sprayed the contents of the extinguisher all around the flat, shouting abuse, police said. "He said he wasn't bothered by the damage it caused," the spokesman said. "And that he's through with his girlfriend."

Yes, those reformed smokers can certainly be emphatic. But haven't we all had moments when we overreacted to something?

In a police station 15 years ago:

"Now Ms. Flynn, driving a Bobcat through the sliding glass door and scooping up your children's toys and then driving and dumping them in a landfill is a little extreme, don't you think?"

"You don't know these kids, Officer. I swear they are the spawn of Satan! One is three and the other is two. Together, they have the combined destructive power of a category five Tormado."

"No, I mean tormado. That's what my daughter, the evil one, calls it. They call down the powers of Hell and in the three minutes it takes me to run to the bathroom and back, they have gotten toys I have never seen and filled in the remaining spaces on the rug, trapped the cat in the dishwasher, kneecapped the mailman with a wooden spoon and ground up my glasses in the sink disposal. I think they communicate telepathically with other children and systematically select one mother at a time to drive insane. It's their goal to take over the world. I think Mr. Rogers is their ringleader. I think he sends them messages through the TV."

"Now, Ms Flynn. Stop and think about how that sounds."

"You're right. Mr. Rogers couldn't do it alone. The Teletubbies must be in on it too. It's that Tinky Winky or maybe Po. No, Po isn't bright enough, definitely Tinky Winky."

"You know what you need? You need to take some time off during the day, treat yourself a little, give yourself a break."

"Right, and whose gonna watch the twin pillars of peril?"

"How about your husband? Won't he watch them for a while?"

"Maybe you should get some valium from your doctor."

"Now there's a idea I can use. Why didn't I think of that?"

Two weeks later, in the same police station:

"Ms Flynn, we're all real glad that you've stopped using construction equipment as a means of housekeeping and child rearing."

"Yes, things are so much better now."

"Can you tell me why your children just sit on the couch now and stare into space?"

"I move them every hour."

"Yes, I'm sure you do. But why are they so floppy and need to be positioned on the couch?"

"It's your plan, I'm very happy."

"You suggested I go a see a doctor and get some meds to help me deal with the stress of raising two children under five."

"Yes. I've been giving the kids regular doses and everything is just wonderful. There's no fighting, no destruction, no screaming, nothing. It's perfect. I get up in the morning, water the plants, position the children. I can't thank you enough for the advice."

"Actually, I meant that you should take the medication."

"They didn't have enough control before? You want ME to medicate MYSELF and give them all the strategic advantages in this parenting war? I think not."