Dan's Papers - March 7, 2008 - Twentysomething...By David Lion Rattiner

I'm sitting here on the couch next to my dog Moo. It's a Sunday afternoon and he's asleep. Moo has had a long day of sitting around, then running through the dog door to the outside, then coming back inside, then running outside again. Having spent most of this Sunday inside, aside from going to Waldbaums in East Hampton, I feel like I kind of got what it's like to be Moo. The only difference between us today is that I change the channel on the television.

Moo is a Wheaton Terrier, which means he's a beach-sand colored, medium-sized dog. He is also lovably dumb. He is a real dog. He gets totally pumped when I say with excitement, "Moo, you want to wrestle? Come on!"

He'll pop up from wherever he is and clobber around, then get spent and go outside and fall asleep. I spend countless hours thinking about what Moo thinks about. I feel like his internal monologue every day sounds like this. "I think I'll go outside today, but first I'm going to see if David or Dan has put any cheese in my dog dish. Nope, okay I'll go lay down on the couch. Holy cow, I'm tired. I love sleep. Gonna go to sleep right now. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! MUST RUN OUTSIDE MUST RUN OUTSIDE. I'm onto something. This could be big. There is a burglar over here. I just know it. Hey! Hey! Come out! I know you're there! Hey! Hey? You there? Hello? Hmmm. What does that smell like? Why did I come outside? I'm tired, better go to the couch, but first better pee over here..."

It's amazing how dogs become such an important part of our lives. I take care of Moo whenever my Dad leaves for New York City, so Moo and I have grown quite a bond. My Dad also has a bond with Moo, but his way of bonding with him is coming up with stranger and stranger ways of feeding him, then his way of either belittling, or bonding with me, is to explain, in great detail, exactly how he fed Moo this week and while he's away, how he wants me to feed Moo. I am not making this up. On Friday, this is exactly what my Dad said to me when I stopped by the house on the way to work from Montauk. "Son, you have to feed Moo while I'm away."

"Okay no problem Dad. Thanks for reminding me."

"Well listen, okay? I fed him yesterday and he REALLY likes this. Okay, I took half a jar of chicken and rice baby food, then added water to it. But it was hot water that I added. You just turn the hot water valve on the sink and hot water comes out. THEN I took his dog food and gently mixed it with the baby food and hot water, then put it into the microwave for 30 seconds. Then mixed it with a spoon. He loved it. He ate the whole thing."

"Okay Dad, I got it."

Now Moo, in general, eats just about anything. So no matter what you put in his dish, as long as it's beef, chicken or cheese flavored, he'll go nuts for it. My Dad doesn't seem to get this. Every time he feeds Moo and adds human food to his dog food and Moo likes it, he thinks he has discovered a totally new way of feeding Moo. My Dad has gone from feeding Moo dog food with Parmesan cheese, to shredded mozzarella cheese, to shredded cheddar, to Mexican shredded cheese, to baked beans, to baked beans with cheese and now we are on to beef or chicken flavored baby food. Keep in mind, my Dad has explained in great detail to me for about a year now, the different ways of mixing in the cheese or the baby food. "You have to mix it, otherwise he won't eat the dog food."

If he's watching me while I mix the food, he'll say, "Don't mix it! He won't eat it if you mix it! What's wrong with you? You never listen."

Today it's just Moo and me, and baby food, microwaved, mixed with dog food and hot water is on the menu. But I'm going to go an extra mile and top it off with some Parmesan cheese, so that when my Dad comes back and feeds Moo just the hot water with the dog food mixed with the baby food, Moo will be like, "What about the Parmesan cheese? I wish David was feeding me."

And then the next time I see Moo, he'll be super excited to see me.

The trouble with this is that my Dad will notice that Moo isn't nuts about his menu anymore and add another component, to which I will be forced to add to or change so that I will be Moo's favorite chef and my Dad will continue to tell me just exactly what it is that Moo likes, or so he thinks anyway.