Dan's Papers - March 7, 2008 - The Hampton Subway Newsletter

Delays: One hour and ten minute delays were experienced on the D line between Amagansett and East Hampton on March 6 because of the breakdowns occurring due to the alternative fuels used on that line that day.

Further delays: Riders are warned that further delays on the D line between Amagansett and East Hampton will occur on March 7, 8 and 9 as the remainder of this fuel, made from crushed potatoes, Chardonnay and piping plover poop is used up during the conclusion of the alternative fuels experiment.

Burial: A military burial for the piping plover that was found dead next to the third rail at the Water Mill Station two weeks ago was held last Thursday. The burial was attended by Robert Kennedy Jr. and Hampton Baywatch Manager Kevin McAllister among many others. She was given a 19-gun salute and was buried at Main Beach in East Hampton.

Among those Hamptonites spotted boarding the "De Luxe" subway car at the front of every train on the Hampton Subway this past week were Mercedes Ruhl, E. L. Doctorow, Marissa Tomei, Sarah Jessica Parker, Jon Stewart, Edward Albee, Paul Simon and John McCain. All paid with their Euros and enjoyed the yoga, massage, facial wraps, champagne, caviar and water crackers and video games aboard this wildly successful service.

The Lone Sharks, the wonderful band and longtime favorite of Hamptonites, has a hit on its hands. In just one week, their song, together with the dance that accompanies it, has become a national craze and is now poised to be the number one song in America just behind Flo Rida's "Low."

The Spielberg Drop, for those not familiar with it, is the sensational new theme park ride in Southampton that had its grand opening this week. The ride, which was built originally by Hampton Subway to be an underground spur between the Lobster Inn and Shinnecock Station, was sold last week to Two Brothers Enterprises, which has in just five days converted it to a ride for children of all ages. It debuted this Wednesday in one of the most fantastic grand openings in the history of American amusement rides, featuring Roy Rogers, Mickey Mouse, Peter Rabbit, Goldilocks and the Three Bears and Harry Potter.

The ride is three miles long through an underground tunnel, and patrons climb aboard subway cars at the Lobster Inn entrance to enjoy the experience. The cars go slowly down the tracks toward Shinnecock, then at the halfway point appear to get into trouble. A storm comes up, rain batters the windshield outside and the wind whistles, and as the voice of what sounds like E.T. warns all passengers to hang on to each other - there are no seatbelts on the ride - there comes the drop, 20 feet down a slippery water lined flume to a splash at the bottom in a deep underground tank. The car then bobs to the surface, rights itself and continues on uneventfully for another ten minutes to its conclusion. At the stand at the underground end of the ride, patrons can buy pictures of themselves to see what they look liked as they survived the Spielberg Drop. (Note: Steven Spielberg has no connection whatsoever with the Spielberg Drop.)

When the ride is over, subway cars decked out to look like ambulances take the patrons on the parallel track back up the long climb to the Lobster Inn Station to their parked cars.

"What a treat," said Mayor Mark Epley of Southampton Village as he came out at the end of the ride at the parking lot across from the Lobster Inn with his kids.

These are good times for the Hampton Subway. Our "De Luxe" service in the front subway car of each train is a big hit among A listers.

The experiment to try out an alternate fuel may have resulted in some overheating of train engines and a few blown pistons, but otherwise went pretty well, I think.

Our regular straphangers, who commute by the thousands in the rear cars every day may be complaining a bit about the loss of their front car and inability to get past the velvet rope even though they have the proper number of Euros. To them I say, you've still got the joy of rubbing shoulders, maybe not the shoulders you might like to rub against, but, well, it was just a matter of speaking, there you are, in the cars right behind some of the most important shoulders in the world and that in and of itself is a blessing.

As for the Spielberg Drop, which my brother Biff built so badly - it was really not his fault, it was the architectural specs - by digging the two ends toward the middle and then have them not meet up, it has been an absolute dream for us. After the $10 million subway spur had to be abandoned just one week after its opening by order of the US Department of Transportation, which claimed that the big drop was unacceptable, he and I bought it for the bargain basement $500,000, and now look at it. Along with Splish Splash in Wading River, the Riverhead Mountain Ski Resort now coming to fruition in Calverton and the Atlantis Aquarium in Riverhead, we've now taken our special place in the annals of East End amusements. And the money is rolling in. Hooray for free enterprise. Lemons to lemonade.

As I did say last week, I can still perform the duties of being Commissioner here for the Hampton Subway. It's my day job. My night job is with the Spielberg Drop where I am in attendance for the 6 p.m. to midnight shift, if you'd like to come by to shake my hand. And my hat is off to the Lone Sharks for writing "Doing the Spielberg Drop" and then figuring out those jerky moves to the dance accompanying it. I hear that Vivian and the Merrymakers are coming up with something too.

And wasn't that a wonderful fundraising party for Guild Hall at the Rainbow Room on Monday night?