Dan's Papers - February 29, 2008 - The Hampton Subway Newsletter

My name is Carolyn Phipps and I am 9 years old and I live in Water Mill. My question is if the "De Luxe" service that just opened this week has the luxury car at the front of the subway train, how does it stay at the front of the train? I mean if you have a ten-car D train starting in Montauk and heading west with the luxury car at the front and the nine regular cars behind it, why is the luxury car not at the back of the train when it heads the other way when it reaches the end of the line in Eastport?
Is there a roundabout in Eastport or something?

Dear Carolyn Phipps,
When the train gets to the end of the line, a SECOND but identical luxury car is hooked up to the back of the train, while the one at the front of the train is unhooked so it can be vacuumed clean. The train then, without turning around, has a new luxury car at what will now become the new front of the train when it goes the other way. Isn't that neat?

Bill Aspinall
Commissioner

As you read this, the wealthy residents of the Hamptons are now traveling back and forth throughout the Hamptons in a luxury car just for them. These cars have heavy duty shock absorbers, chandeliers, crystal, china and sterling silver beverage service, caviar hors d'oeuvres and champagne, all served to these special riders by white gloved attendants. There is even such an attendant in the tiny bathroom at the back of the car to assist anyone who might need it. And of course, there are masseuses, beauticians and personal trainers for all who request them, right on board ready to go. (That's a pun.)
Riders of the Hampton Subway in the regular cars craned their necks at each stop last Sunday to see who among the celebrities and billionaires would be paying the extra fare (in Euros) and riding the train on the first day of service. Among those who were approved by the doormen and who then said they'd be delighted to have their names mentioned in the paper were Jack Nicholson, Mike Huckabee, Vladimir Putin, Stephen Spielberg, Jimmy Buffet, Sarah Jessica Parker and Lindsay Lohan. Paris Hilton was delighted to learn that pets are welcome in the "De Luxe" cars on all the lines.

The ill-fated tunnel and tracks built by the Hampton Subway system to connect the Shinnecock Station with the Lobster Inn Station at Sunrise Highway has been sold to the Two Brothers Amusement Company for $500,000.
The link was intended to create a new way to get connected up to the subway system, which was built back in the 1930s when there was no Sunrise Highway or County Road 39. The original line today exists as originally built, going under Montauk Highway from Montauk to Westhampton Beach, with the stops from Southampton west much closer to the beach than where the bypass highways are today.
But this well-meaning spur never worked out. In service just one week last fall, it was discovered that because it was built from the two ends to meet up in the middle, and it didn't meet up in the middle very well, there was a big hill to climb going northbound and a big drop to negotiate, with teeth chattering results, going southbound. The MTA had it shut temporarily to see if it could be fixed, and then ordered it closed permanently when it was determined it could not.
A spokesman for Two Brothers, a woman named Gladys Percussington, said that the "two brothers" intend to make "lemonade out of lemons," as she put it. The spur will reopen with only minor modifications next week as an amusement park ride to be called "The Spielberg Drop" in honor of the esteemed filmmaker who has a home in East Hampton (although a spokesperson for Mr. Spielberg has insisted we say, correctly, that he has nothing to do with it and does not even know he is being honored in this way).
"Families can park in the giant parking lot just to the north of the Lobster Inn, go down the escalator, pay the $3 for adults and $2 for children, and enjoy the ride in the same way that people enjoy Splish Splash in Calverton or The Atlantis Aquarium in Riverhead or the soon to be constructed ski mountain at the old Grumman site," she said. "It will be the ride of their lives. And the former subway going northbound will climb them back up so they can do it again."

It's been six months in the making, but at long last, those who insist on the very best now have a luxury car in which to ride the Hampton Subway. As Mel Brooks told me over drinks at the American Hotel in Sag Harbor last night, "This is the way we A-listers can go in style." We offer apologies to our regular riders for the slightly long delays at each station. Of course, we cannot let the regular riders onto the platforms until the celebrities have entered or exited the car first. Many of these celebrities do stop for a moment or two to smile and wave for the paparazzi there behind the velvet ropes on the platforms before going up the elevators. We hope you regular riders understand.
On another matter entirely, my brother Biff and I are the two brothers who are purchasing the ill-timed spur to turn it into an amusement park ride. I know some of you think that this might be a conflict of interest, because my job as Commissioner is a full-time one. But I certainly can manage the ride during the evening hours without taking time away from my regular duties, and brother Biff, who did just get his builder's license revoked by the Town after the botch job he did building the thing, can manage it during the day.
I'm told that the Lone Sharks, the popular rock n' roll group here in the Hamptons, has composed a new song called "The Spielberg Drop" for the place. We are so grateful to them for doing this, and we offer them free rides on the "Drop" during the first month it is open to show our appreciation.