Licked

The Truth About Dogs Is Whatever We Want to Think It Is

By Dan Rattiner

I have two furry dogs, one a wheaten terrier, who weighs about forty pounds. The other is a bichon frise, who weighs about fifteen pounds. I often take one of the dogs to work. They like hanging around me. I like hanging around them.

The funny thing is, I see this in human terms. I have two pals. And they see it in human terms. They have a pal. I do not buy into the theory that all it is for them is that I’m the one who feeds them, as some people, insensitive to the truth, have said.

But then the other day, a friend told me she had to give away one of her dogs. Before the giveaway, she had three. The youngest one, a male, who was now just a year old, had tried to lick one of the older ones in the face. A fight ensued and they had to be separated. A trainer told them that being licked in the face by another dog is considered an insult in the dog world. The young dog, who had a reputation as a fighter, was challenging the lead dog in the house. It wasn’t going to work out.

I didn’t think much of this story at the time, until that night me and the little dog came home from work and after the dog who stayed behind enjoyed welcoming us, I sat down on the sofa and they both jumped up, and, as they always do, began licking me.

I like being licked in the face. Kisses. “Oh, I love you too,’’ I told them as a scratched them behind the ears. You can do that when there are no other humans around.

So now I’m suspicious. Was I being played for a chump?

‘‘Hey, there he is, let’s go over and show him who’s boss and lick him in the face. He’ll feed us. Never fails.’’

Well, I was suspicious for about a day. I have totally rejected this idea. Not happening. These are kisses. And there was an article in the paper the other day about a study, which found that babies are healthier if they are raised with dogs around. Dog slobber, apparently, gives babies stronger immune systems.

I then observed the following behavior. I had been at work with the smaller of my two dogs, and when I came home and after all the kisses and pats and so forth and so on, we settled down and the two dogs went their own ways for a while. But then the smaller dog wanted to play with the larger dog. He came over and hunkered down, face to face, with the larger dog who was sleeping, barked at him and wagged his tail. Then he leaned forward and licked the larger dog in the face. The larger dog instantly growled, got up and tried to walk away. The little dog did it again and playing ensued. Mouths wide, rolling around, fake bites and so forth. I thought it was so cute.

I now think we have no idea about dogs, and we just make it all up. I also think we do that with a lot of other animals.

The other night, I was talking to a woman who lives in one of those areas on the East End that has been plagued by an overabundance of deer. They eat everything. Gardens, landscaping, flowers, bushes. Drive up route 112 through North Haven toward the ferry and you will see that they have gnawed all the leaves and branches on the trees up to about as high as a deer can reach, which is pretty high. There is a herd on that little peninsula, which has been estimated to be a total of about 600 animals.

‘‘I hate them,’’ this woman said. “I hate these eight foot fences we build, I hate when they get in anyway. I hate that we get Lyme disease from them. If these deer were giant spiders this size, we’d know exactly what to do with them.’’

It was hard to imagine 600 giant spiders stalking through North Haven. What a terrifying idea. We’d have the Army out there with flame throwers.

But deer are just so cute and they bat their big brown eyes. How could anybody even THINK of harming one of them?

We haven’t got a clue what goes on with animals. All we know about them is what we make up about them in our heads. But I don’t care.