The Madness of March

by David L. Baron

One of the biggest myths in American culture is the Super Bowl. Sure, it gets the highest ratings of any televised event of the year and everyone makes plans for the big game. But the reality is that the Super Bowl is not the three-hour-long man-fest that it once was. It’s been tainted by two million dollar commercials, extended half time shows and over-produced fluff broadcasts. The chicken wings, big screen TVs, and even manliness itself have all become cliché for the weekend of the Super Bowl.

Now that the Super Bowl is in the past, it’s officially time to make sure your entertainment room is firing on all cylinders for the month of March. Does this sound like madness? Well it should – March Madness.

Every March, 64 of the best college basketball teams in the country square off in 63 games to determine the year’s National Champion. Every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday in March, CBS frantically switches back and forth between close games, major upsets and buzzer beaters in an effort to bring the modern man an antithesis of today’s Super Bowl. To fully appreciate the month-long festival of masculine television, though, you have to have the right equipment. Here’s a list of ways to make your March the ultimate manly month.

Obviously, we’re going to begin with the television. In the ideal world, you’d have a big screen, flat panel HDTV with Tivo and full surround sound. All you really need, though, is a television with a remote and maybe a little picture-in-picture (almost all televisions come with both of these features). What’s most important about the TV is your personal flipping policy. With so many games going on simultaneously, it’s crucial to be able to change the channel quickly and accurately. Make sure you have spare remote batteries nearby and that there’s an unobstructed line of sight between the remote and the television at all times.

Food is not completely forbidden during March Madness, in fact it’s encouraged, but only in certain forms. It should be relatively easy to eat and very neat. With the Super Bowl, there can be greasy wings and messy chili because, under any circumstances, the channel is not going to be changing for the rest of the night. With March Madness, though, you don’t have time to waste on wiping buffalo sauce off your fingers before flipping to see the last 00:03.1 seconds of a tie game. I recommend small finger sandwiches or the ol’ standby, chips and guacamole.

What’s so fun about March Madness is that the first three quarters of many games are often boring or largely uneventful, leading to an awkward down time. Walking away from the game is not an option because something could happen, but it’s not unheard of to get bored during March Madness. That’s where the next element of the ultimate March Madness set-up becomes essential.

As there can often be eight consecutive hours of college basketball, it’s important to have alternative forms of entertainment available. There are many acceptable alternatives you can add to your television room, but I recommend a pool table, a ping-pong table, a dartboard or a foosball table. If you’re crunched for space, you’re probably going to want a dartboard. If your friend has a pool table, then you’ll probably want to consider something else. I can’t stress how important this is enough. It gives your room an added dimension and it’s a key warrior in the battle against burning out on basketball.

Finally, think about your phone. As the tournament goes on all month, the chances are that something important will happen at a moment when your friends are not around. It’s a must to have a dependable telephone in the area for emergency banter and analysis. You don’t want to have to leave the room to run upstairs and grab a phone when a 12 seed knocks off a 5 seed in the first round.

It may sound pretty easy, and that’s because it is. March Madness isn’t about commercials or halftime shows or seeing friends. It’s about watching the purest sporting event on television in the purest environment possible. But even toward the end of March, don’t be sad, Major League Baseball season starts on April 1.