Dans Hamptons

Well, I don’t know about you, but I don’t think the media has spent enough time covering the death of Anna Nicole Smith. Occasionally, some fragment of significant news is still breaking through. Her mother is now appealing her burial in the Bahamas, and with Dan Rattiner’s admission in last week’s paper that he also, might be the father of Anna Nicole’s baby, all hell’s breaking loose!

When people pause and ask, “What is the big deal over this woman?” I say, “Are you kidding? She’s the ultimate train wreck of humanity in one neat surgically—enhanced package! You just can’t take your eyes off the wreck as it passes by.”

A real beauty with a white trash mentality, no value to society, a sailor’s mouth, a President Bush sized ego, and the morality of a paper plate, all in one! Watching her reality show was one of my guilty pleasures. I was glued to the set every week. I just couldn’t believe how she could debase herself and humiliate everyone around her with complete aplomb. She started at the bottom and drilled straight down, all the while confident that her face and boobs would get men to do whatever she wanted — and they did! I remember she whined and nagged Howard K. — on camera — until he dressed like a clown and roller-skated down Hollywood Blvd. for her — or for her money. I recall watching his face and seeing his barely masked loathing. I think Howard K. sold his soul for her money, the Faustian bargain.

Anna had a frumpy assistant named Kim with purple hair. Anna tortured Kim (e.g. making her get up at 3 a.m. to make Anna hot chocolate and play checkers with her) until the girl finally must have realized that no amount of money was worth being a slave, and she jumped ship. I hope Kim is doing well, wherever she is. But, Howard K. stayed and made her his only client. If you saw the show, you know this highly educated, sophisticated man could never love a woman this vain and superficial. Anna Nicole Smith was so shallow they won’t have to dig the grave deeper than two feet to bury her.

The real one I’m watching now is Howard K. You see, my opinion is he facilitated her suicide, or even put arsenic in her capsules, just waiting for her to take the right one. How else could he escape? He’s invested his entire professional career in her tenuous fortune. We never heard of their ‘relationship’ until Larry Birkhead sued for paternity of the baby. Then all of a sudden, their ‘love’ was revealed and they got married in a ceremony apparently not recognized in the US since Howard K is never referred to as her husband... I think Howard wanted it that way. Anna decided that Howard would marry her to block Birkhead’s claims, so Howard did, but not legal enough to make him feel married. The price of the Faustian bargain got bigger, with no end in sight.

As the list of potential fathers of Dannielyne lengthens (Larry Birkhead, Anna’s bodyguard Hans, Howard K., Prince Husband of Gabor, Dan Rattiner, the entire horn section of the NYC orchestra and Howard Stern the DJ, to name just a dozen), our fascination and disbelief about how many men one woman can sleep with during her 48 hour window of fertility increases. I think in addition to her boob implants, she had her hips replaced with industrial strength, titanium, spring-loaded hinges.

I will continue to be fascinated. I predict Anna Nicole will remain in the coroner’s refrigerator for another month while her mother’s appeal is addressed. The question of homicide will not surface since everyone knows she did too many drugs anyway. I predict Larry Birkhead will be the winner of the paternity race. I predict a judge will lay Anna’s will aside and award Dannielyne all the money. Howard K. will be removed as Executor owing to conflict of interest. But Howard K. will bill the estate for years of service and the bill will be so huge, it will be appealed for years.

The Sheltered Islander #437

Devil to Faustus, “Deal or No Deal?”