Police Blotter

Battery Stolen

A Sag Harbor woman reported to police that her car battery was stolen from her car while it was parked in her driveway. Her car no longer keeps going, and going and going…

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Confused?

A 32-year-old North Fork woman with a Learner’s Permit got into a car accident after she drove her car into a home. The woman told police that while she was driving, she got the brake pedal confused with the gas pedal and accidentally hit the gas when she meant to hit the break. Police explained to her that it is pretty important to not confuse the pedals when it comes to driving and to not confuse your butt with your mouth when it comes to eating.

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Stolen Police Blotter

A teenage student at a Sag Harbor school has been reported to be taking police blotter items from this newspaper and reading them aloud to her class. She is believed to always be wearing UGG boots, however this has not been very helpful to investigators, because almost every teenager in Sag Harbor has a pair. A faux investigation is underway on whether or not some of the items that she has been reading are helpful to the class or merely just an incredibly poor attempt at literary comedy by the writer. Investigators are leaning toward the ladder. They are also looking into a source that claims that the writer and the speaker are related.

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Government Obstructing

A 69-year-old man stood behind a car being driven by a building inspector and refused to leave. He then tore up a “stop work” order delivered by the inspector. He was charged with obstructing governmental administration by Inspector Gadget.

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Bad Haircut

A woman walked into a salon in Bridgehampton and received a haircut for $130 and then left without paying her bill. Police are looking for a woman with a fabulous haircut and a guilty face.

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Paint Raid

A woman in Springs heard a loud noise and noticed that her house was struck with paintballs. The woman called the police, then strapped on her paintball gear, armed a fresh C02 canister and ran after them.

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Jet Fuel

A 1,000-gallon aviation fuel tank worth about $15,000 was stolen from Riverhead last week. Police believe that the crime is related to a bulldozer that was stolen from the same area. Police are on the lookout for a bulldozer traveling at Mach 1.

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Acura Surfboards

Police discovered a red Acura floating inside the ocean at an East Hampton beach. There have been no reports as to how the car ended up in the water, however, some are hypothesizing that a surfer came up with an idea that went terribly wrong.

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Dead Fox

A fox was found shot dead by an illegal hunter on Shelter Island. Police are on the hunt.

– Written and Compiled by David Lion Rattiner