The Sheltered Islander #436

Sticks and Stones...

By Sally Flynn

I read that the basketball player who publicly stated he “hates gay people” has been suspended from playing his game for a weekend and there’s talk of banning him from basketball altogether. Comedian Michael Richards is being sued by three African-Americans who were offended by his on stage racial tirade. Now, I don’t agree with the views of either of these people, but since when did they lose their right to say what they think? I can see people shying away from contact with people who have objectionable beliefs, but punish them or sue them? No. If they don’t have the right to think and say what they want, then neither does anyone else. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, political correctness is fascism with good manners.

But of course, the Freedom of Speech thing does not extend to Shelter Island. We have a legitimate list here of things that may not be spoken.

For instance…… sometimes people who are new here say, “Well, how come you don’t build a bridge to Sag Harbor?” As soon as their lips even begin to form the “B” word, three locals fall upon them and thrash them until they succeed in shaking the thought of a “B” right outta their heads.

I know about this because years ago when I first came back home, I asked that same question. I thought at the time it was a logical solution to the complaints about ferry costs, lines, punctuality, dangers during storms and such. I innocently put forth the question at The Dory one night.

“So why don’t we just build bridges to Greenport and Sag Harbor?” The entire bar fell silent. Glasses stopped clinking, ice cubes didn’t tinkle, drunks stopped arguing, people stopped eating, mid-bite. A hundred eyes were on me. I had that funny feeling that either an osprey had landed on my head or I had said something wrong.

Naturally, I tried to back pedal…… I said to my friend, in a voice just loud enough for every one to hear but not so loud that my panic would be heard, “It sounds like everyone is tired of the fees and the lines.” No response. I saw one man reach into his pocket, probably for a weapon.

I tried again. “I mean, it just seems like it would be nice to be able to get on and off the Island after midnight and not be stranded somewhere overnight while you wait for the first ferry at 6 a.m.” I felt a sharp pain in my shin where my friend kicked me.

She looked at me with a fixed focus and said in a forceful whisper, “Say you love the ferries. Say you think a bridge is a terrible idea. Quick... before they tear us to pieces...”

But I was convinced I was right. Maybe I just had to hit the right button. So, confidently, I said out loud, “You know, the Island could charge a nice toll. I bet there’s a ton of money to be made from cross Island traffic.” I knew no one had ever thought of that. I looked around, confident that I had come up with a brilliant and original idea to improve life on Shelter Island.

A fork zinged by my head and stuck into the wall behind me. A hard roll hit me in the eye. My friend screamed when a piece of steaming hot flounder hit her cheek. I yelled out, “But then again, the Island would lose its character! Isolation and inconvenience is part of the Island charm.” The assault lessened in its intensity. “And besides,” I continued, “I love the ferries!” Ice cubes bounced off my head and fell down into my blouse, but I could hear the room quieting.

My friend was smiling weakly. With two clams stuck in her hair, she leaned forward and said, “You’re doing fine, keep going....”

“You know, when I think about it, no self respecting Islander would ever want a bridge here. Bridges are bad. Bridges cause cancer.” It was definitely working... the crowd was relaxing and there was even a few smiles.

I knew I better fix it good. “Bridges are evil. They are the Devil’s Legos, used to import horrible, vile things.” It worked. People went back to their food, drinks and arguments. The cloud of the “B” word had passed and Shelter Island was safe once again from any unauthorized and Island incorrect ideas...