Dan's Papers -February 13, 2009 -

A man from Florida was caught driving 49 miles per hour in a 20 miles per hour zone in East Hampton. After police pulled the man over and looked into the matter, they learned that his license to drive had been suspended. I'm not going to tell you why.

In Southampton, a chef and a cow were spotted dancing outside of a restaurant. Well, it was really just a few folks dressed up in a giant chef and cow costume who were having a hoot of a time outside in the cold. No arrests were made. The cow and the chef are living happily ever after.

A man who resides in East Hampton part of the year reported to police that his house had been broken into while he was away and had been ransacked of nearly every valuable item, including an expensive flat screen television and, quite mysteriously, a breadbox.

There was simply no escape for a man in Sag Harbor who was bombarded with snowballs thrown by who witnesses believe to be local youths. The man, who was driving his car at the time, was walloped with what was counted to be five incoming snowballs. His car did not receive any damage from the incident and the man was not injured. He did need a few minutes to cool off his temper, however. Luckily, it was pretty cold outside that day.

It wasn't a pretty day in Hampton Bays when a woman was charged with assault against a man who was her former boyfriend. The incident occurred after the woman asked how she looked in a specific piece of clothing, to which the man responded, "You look kind of hefty in that." Needless to say, it was lights out for the man, who evidently has only half a brain in his head.

Well, things are really not looking so good for the former East Hampton basketball star Michael Russell, who ended up in the slammer for two burglaries that occurred in East Hampton. The former star is now facing felony sexual assault charges in New Hampshire and could end up with a 30-year prison sentence.

A driver crashed right smack into a general store in Sag Harbor, completely destroying the entire front of the store and nearly injuring a woman inside. The driver of the car was allegedly drunk at the scene of the incident and was taken to the hospital. Reports indicate that he was not seriously injured, nor was anybody else, thankfully. The storeowner, however, was one really, really, really, really angry dude that day.