Dan's Papers -February 13, 2009

I don't know if you knew this, but Bernie Madoff sent out a letter of apology the other day. It was not to any of the thousands of families he has ruined by defrauding them of their savings. It was to the neighbors in his luxury apartment building on Park Avenue, where he is under house arrest in his duplex apartment.

In the letter, he apologized for the army of reporters and photographers stationed on the sidewalk just outside the lobby day and night.

"Dear Neighbors," he wrote. "Please accept my profound apologies for the terrible inconvenience that I have caused over the past weeks. Ruth and I appreciate the support we have received. Best regards, Bernard Madoff."

One imagines that the neighbors, particularly the co-op board, are pretty testy about all the goings on as they try to go in and out of the building. Of course, they love Bernie and Ruth. And it sure is a shame that Bernie got himself in this mess. It is not to his credit that he fleeced his rich friends out of an amount of money in excess of the gross domestic product of Bulgaria.

Co-op neighbors in these high-end buildings can indeed be pretty sensitive. There is, for example, the current battle going on about a dog in a co-op onWest 26th Street. Everybody wants the dog out, even though the co-op rules permit dogs in the building. Since the dog remains, the board has moved to evict the family that has the dog.

The attempt is being spearheaded by CNN correspondent Soledad O'Brien, who owns another apartment in the building and who is the secretary on the co-op board. She presented a 20-page long affidavit to a city housing judge adjudicating this case about this 150-pound bull mastiff. Mastiffs are among the largest and most affectionate dog in the world, and this one, named Ugo, belongs to Steven and Monica Lyons and their children, who have for many years lived in the $3 million, 4,000 square foot apartment on the eighth floor. The dog arrived in November 2007.

The encounters with it mostly take place in the elevator.

"This dog's size, slobbering, shedding, drooling, gassiness and odors are appalling," O'Brien wrote. The dog has left them no choice but to move to evict its owners.

According to the court papers, Lyons has made numerous attempts to placate the neighbors. He has begun taking Ugo to a pet grooming salon three times a week. He spritzes him with orange scented deodorizer. He's even offered to take the dog up and down in the freight elevator. But the board voted against that request.

No one knows how this will turn out. It's a big deal to force a family out because they won't give up a dog. And where would they go?

These two news items came to mind the other day when I read that the planet Mars has just emitted the largest burst of methane gas into space ever recorded in the history of the solar system. A NASA Mars Rover discovered it. It came out of an enormous hole in the planet that leads down into the very bowels of the place. Methane is, of course, the main ingredient in a fart.

The amount of methane is, apparently, beyond measure.

"This is exciting," said Indiana University scientist Lisa Pratt. "It raises the possibility of life on Mars. And it's prudent that we begin to explore Mars for the possibility of a life form that's exhaling this methane."

I think we need to call an emergency meeting of the planets of the solar system to consider evicting Mars. There's no excuse for this. There is not even a letter apologizing for this behavior. I think the sooner this matter is put behind us the better.