Dan's Papers -February 13, 2009

Last week, the list of people who have come out of the woodwork to say that they are among those who got caught up in Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme was made public. Those affected didn't want to have it made known. But if they wanted to have even a chance of getting any money back they will have to file legal papers, public documents that identify themselves in court papers. And court papers are public records. The media had a field day.

But the total claimed, even with all the confessions, is nowhere near what Bernie himself says that he swindled in its entirety, which was $50 billion. So far, with a few tens of millions here and few hundred of millions there, it's little more than $19 billion.

I haven't until now wanted to say this, but it's going to have to come out. The loser of the other $30 billion is, well, me.

Now you might say that this is truly a shocking admission on my part, because I have not been one of these people who flaunts it very much. I live in a modest home on Three Mile Harbor Road in East Hampton. I drive a Chevy Tahoe with a fishing rod on the roof that goes on the beach. I shop at Kmart. When I heard two days ago, while watching American Idol, that McDonald's was offering the double cheeseburger on its $1 menu for the next two weeks, I rushed down there.

But the truth is that I've saved up some money running Dan's Papers over the years. And the money I've saved I gave to Bernie. So, I just kept living my life like I always do. I think it's fair to say, and people do say this about me, that money does not go to my head, though I have to confess that this past September, I did get an outrageously priced $700 sweater at the Polo Store on Main Street in East Hampton. It was reduced to $150 because it was on sale as they closed out their autumn stock. I thought it a good price.

You should know that Bernie did real well for me this past year, at least on paper. That's what a lot of people are saying these days, I guess, so I'm no exception. My $40 billion made a profit of 10% in the first year. It actually was a bad year for him, he told me. Usually he makes 12% or 15% for his clients. But still, 10% of $40 billion is $4 billion, and I thought I could live on that for a year. Actually, what he did, since I am his biggest customer, was to sweeten it a little bit. He gave me 11% instead of the 10%, since he said he felt bad about it being so little, and so he made a note on my monthly statement that it would be 11% for me.

That was Bernie. Generous to a fault with his friends, giving me an extra $400,000,000 percentage point just like that. It just goes to show you.

Well, if I had made the fact of my $30 billion loss public in the legal filings, I really saw no possibility of ever getting my money back. Why am I doing so now?

Well, the media is going to add it all up and see that there is $30 billion missing. And soon, they will trace it all back to me. So I might as well confess here in Dan's Papers ahead of time. TaDa! Scoop! Remember you read about this in Dan's Papers first.

But you know, today I've noticed it's not all that bad letting this secret out. I stopped at the Candy Kitchen in Bridgehampton for my morning coffee today, and the people there pretended not to notice me, which was nice, leaving me with my privacy like that. Then I heard one person whisper to somebody, "That was the guy who had the $30 billion." And then, after I paid for my coffee and headed for the door, three people got up and held it open for me.

Later, when I got to work, I found that I'd already had five phone calls. Christie Brinkley wants to know if I'm free for lunch tomorrow. And there's this party in Southampton that Calvin Klein wants to know if I can come to. Donald Trump called. Oprah called. And then there was the note from Paris Hilton.

Later in the afternoon, I walked out through the parking lot and overheard somebody whisper, "I wonder what he was going to do with that $30 billion."