Dan's Papers - February 15, 2008 - The Hampton Subway Newsletter

DIGNITARIES TRY DE LUXE SERVICE

In anticipation of the grand opening of the new station-wide "De Luxe" service on the Hampton Subway next week, reporters and news anchors, along with celebrities and government officials, enjoyed a "test run" on Saturday beginning at the Southampton station.
The service is being offered in the lead railroad car of every train on the schedule. Passengers paying the extra fare get to enjoy "De Luxe" service, which includes overhead chandeliers, mahogany paneling, soft chairs, free TV on the back of each chair in front of you, royal red rugs from Turkey, free champagne, caviar and water biscuits available from our white-coated staff. They also enjoyed massages and mudpacks and a short performance by belly dancer Carla Knutz of East Quogue who learned her trade in Istanbul.
Among those attending were Hillary Clinton, Mike Huckabee, Alec Baldwin, Peter Kalikow, Renee Zellweger, Christie Brinkley, Southampton Town Supervisor Linda Cabot, Congressman Tim Bishop, Senator Ken Lavalle, Kim Cattrall, Jerry Seinfeld and Rupert Murdoch. At the end of the journey, which took 45 minutes on a loop to Westhampton Beach, then back to East Hampton, Sag Harbor and Bridgehampton, each of the dignitaries was given a clear glass paperweight bearing the image of a subway car and the inscription "First Passenger, De Luxe Hampton Subway Car Service, February 9, 2008."

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL'S WEEKLY MESSAGE

The premiere of the wonderful red carpet "De Luxe" service offered up by Hampton Subway last Saturday went off without a hitch. As the celebrities arrived in their limousines, the paparazzi flashed their cameras, the crowd cheered and the official uniformed escorts of the Hampton "De Luxe" service escorted the attendees down the red carpet covered escalators to the platform where the brand new gold trimmed "De Luxe" subway car awaited them at the head of the 1:03 p.m. train from Montauk that pulled in exactly on time.
The Hampton Bays marching band played, drowning out the shouts of the hoi polloi crammed into the back cars of this special train who didn't know what the delay was all about and wanted to get everybody to move along. The police straightened them out.
Up at the top of the station entrance, I am particularly grateful that the police were able to disperse two groups of protesters who were there to ruin this grand opening. One group was the flagmen strikers, still not at work after all these weeks. The other group was angry subway riders there to protest the three-day wedding between the daughter of a Texas oil pipe baron and the son of a Saudi Sheik who tied the knot there. We had given adequate warning that the subway would be closed during those three days. But some apparently did not get the message and found alternate means to get to work only after finding the subway closed.
The only hitch that took place at this exclusive party at the western end of the Southampton platform on that afternoon, was with the red carpet that had been placed over the down escalator to soften the arrival of all the celebrities.
After everyone was assembled down on the platform, and after the speeches made by Ms. Clinton and Mr. Huckabee were amplified so they could be heard over the objections of the subway riders, someone apparently turned on the down escalator, which had been turned off when the red carpet was placed over it.
The escalator pushed the red carpet down and ate it, and it is currently out of service as workmen poke around in its innards looking to remove the remains of it from the gears of the escalator.
Fortunately, at the end of the ride, our dignitaries were able to ride the UP escalator without a problem.