Police Blotter

Yellow Paint

An office building in Sag Harbor took heavy fire yesterday from yellow paintball pellets, most likely from a paintball gun. The yellow team always has the main group of jerks in paintball.

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Plasma Television

A rash of robberies took place all over the Hamptons involving flat screen televisions, which included the theft of two large flat screen televisions from a Southampton residence last week. For those of you that do not know what it is like to have a flat screen, try to remember that it is difficult for some us to even imagine how we lived on this planet before them. We must stop these crimes.

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Stolen Keys

A man in East Quogue reported that somebody stole a key ring containing seven or eight keys from the inside of his unlocked truck sometime late last week. Unfortunately, police were unable to convince the man that he most likely just lost them and that, in general, people steal jewelry and flat screen televisions, not keys.

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Now That’s A Stoner

A man in Bridgehampton was pulled over by a police officer last week for a moving violation. The officer asked to see his license and as the man opened up his wallet to get the license, a packet containing marijuana popped out of it. The man was arrested for possession and was also given the “Most Stonerish Man of the Year” award.

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Ice Cream Trouble

A large container of ice cream was blocking a road in East Hampton last week. The container of ice cream was determined to have come from an ice cream truck that had a faulty door. Motorists became frustrated on the road because it fell directly in their path. Ironically, the flavor of the ice cream was Rocky Road.

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Underwear Trouble

$100 worth of underwear was reported stolen out of a woman’s dresser in Montauk. The underwear that was stolen included, but was not limited to, granny panties, thongs, thigh highs, thigh cuts, cheeky panties and an itsy-bitsy, teeny weeny, yellow polka-dot bikini.

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Stolen Soda

Police were called when three or four cans of soda, worth about $4, were stolen from a lounge in Springs. There was no sign of forced entry and police are launching a full investigation, involving security camera checks, interrogations and other, possibly unconventional, methods to solve this dramatic and corrupt crime. Honestly, who in their right mind could possibly do such a thing? What kind of world do we live in?

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A Little Too Cool

An eighteen-year-old almost-man got into an argument with a clerk in Wainscott after he was questioned about his age while attempting to buy beer. While the argument ensued, an officer happened to walk in and cleared things up. The guy’s fake ID got him in trouble with the officer and, needless to say, the argument didn’t end with the guy walking out with a bottle of Bud.

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– Written and Compiled by David Lion Rattiner