The Sheltered Islander

The Sheltered Islander #434

By Sally Flynn

If anyone can show good cause why these two should not be wed....

My wife smokes — I want an annulment

By Philip Pullella

Feb. 2, 9:20 AM ET yahoo.com/news

“Smoke got in his eyes. Too much of it, so he asked the Roman Catholic Church to annul his marriage when his wife refused to kick the nicotine habit. That is just one of the cases that wound up before the Vatican’s Sacra Romana Rota, a top court which hears the most complicated of marriage annulment requests. Others included women who wanted annulments because their husbands were “mammoni” (mama’s boys) who were not able to cut the psychological umbilical cord with their mothers...”

I think annulment is a great idea! Much better than divorce. Just declare the marriage never existed in the first place, like a big “do-over.” I like it. There’s a lot of reasons to have marriages annulled on Shelter Island.

Boaters and Non-Boaters: Boat people cannot be happy, in the long run, with non-boat people. A non-boater will not understand why a new motor for the boat is more important than a new roof, a new car, or a life saving surgery for one of the children. If you only have one child, that’s a different story of course, but if you have more than one kid, you have a spare and therefore the boat motor moves back into the top priority notch. Boat people know this.

Feudal Systems and Feud Forgetters: People with long term memory impairment cannot be married to people with good long term memory. On Shelter Island we have a Feudal system; you have to remember not only peoples names, but who is related to whom and you have to remember feuds and fidelities - who is mad at or loyal to whom, why and for how long. Forgetting feuds, grudges or loyalties can cause terrible social faux pas. When you invite someone to a group event on Shelter Island, you commonly get asked, “Who else is coming?” You have to clear your selections with everyone else whose coming. If only one partner knows the feudal system, it puts a terrible burden on them to always be the one to remember who can play nice together and who can’t. Whereas, if both people are Feud Forgetters, they are forgiven and can invite anyone. The understanding is that the warring parties can duke it out in the backyard after the party.

Ferry Tickets Protectors and Ferry Ticket Losers: Another incompatible set is the Ferry Ticket Protecter and the Ferry Ticket Loser. When a book of ferry tickets is purchased, the Protector protects the book of tickets by religiously keeping the book in one place and only using the tickets for the family’s vehicles. The Loser does not keep track of the book; it’s here, it’s there, it was left in somebody’s car....and the Loser GIVES ferry tickets away to non family members. No one has ever done a formal study on it, but I know the Protectors and Losers fight every day on Shelter Island about the fate of a book of tickets.

Clean Car People and Beach Car People. As the title implies, these are two entirely different and mutually exclusive terms and people. Islanders who love clean cars can get an annulment, even from the IGA, if they can prove that the other party has turned out to be a Beach Car person. Clean Car People, God luv ‘em, they do a fabulous job keeping their cars so nice and I always feel embarrassed when they get in my car and leave with sand in their socks. I am a Beach Car Person. I’m proud of my row of Beach stickers. I’m proud that I can pull into the school parking lot anytime and conduct a class on mollusks I have loved, complete with sand samples and shells.

Ferry Liners and Ferry Whiners: This is a very dangerous combination. Ferry Liners just accept the lines and the wait as part of life. We keep a book in the car, crosswords, tapes to listen to, etc. We use the time constructively and do not engage in futile bitching about the line or the wait. Then, there’s the Ferry Whiners. They love living on the Island, but they kvetch endlessly and loudly about the wait. SHUT UP! Ferry Liners and Ferry Whiners cannot be married to each other. Somebody always ends up getting killed in the line and the ferry guys charge $50 for a simple body disposal. $75 if you want them to take the time to weigh it down first. And you can’t pay them in tickets, they want cash....The Island is surrounded by water and there’s no bridge, listen - the moat comes with a boat, take it or leave it...