Dan's Papers - January 30, 2009 -

Washington contacted us! President Obama may visit our little subway system. Subway employees are encouraged to iron their uniforms every day until we have more information.

By totaling our revenue and dividing that by the cost of a token or swipe card, we have determined that sometime between Tuesday and Thursday next week, our one hundred millionth passenger will pass through our turnstiles.

We will surprise this passenger when the time comes, and bring him or her to the Hampton Bays Headquarters where, no matter what time of day or night it is, we have a ceremony awarding a big FOUNDERS CUP, with the name of Ivan Kratz, the long dead builder of the subway, engraved on it in his very own handwriting. We will alert all passengers of this event over our loudspeakers, but it may be too short notice for everyone to get down to Hampton Bays and so we will report on the event in the next issue of Dan's Papers.

The half-hour systemwide delay last Saturday at 10 p.m. was caused by a love spat on the Southampton platform. A young engaged couple, who shall remain nameless, got into an argument there, which resulted in the bride-to-be hurling her engagement ring out onto the tracks and storming out of the subway station. Forty-five minutes later, she returned in tears, with her mother and with the information that she had changed her mind, would marry him and wanted her ring back. The staff on the platform obliged her by shutting down service until workmen could find it for her.

Due to the cold weather, the trains will be running between stations at 26 miles an hour instead of the usual 34. The reason is ice. You may wonder how tracks underground could ice over. But somebody had laced the oil we brush onto the tracks at the end of every day to keep the wheels from squealing with water to save money and that water froze, nearly causing an accident when the D train slid into the Amagansett station. That individual will remain nameless, but we will say that Henry Crackalow, of Quogue, is on extended leave.

Last year, the newly formed African Kingdom of Basinoba purchased 1.6 billion Hampton Subway tokens from us so it could make the token its official currency. The Basinoway, (pronounced bas-in-oh-WAY) as it is called, has been about two to the dollar, but in recent months, considering all the huge vein of underground raw diamonds found in Basinoba this past year, the value of the Basinoway has soared. Currently, you'll get nearly $11 for one Basinoway. If you have Basinowayses stashed away in a jar or in a drawer somewhere, you could be rich but not even know it - in Basinoba, of course, if you can get there.

I am resting up on St. Barts as you read this, and it is warm and sunny but we've had nothing but showers for the last few days, off and on. Not so pleasant. I am here to talk to government officials who are considering building a little subway system on this island. I think it is a bad idea. It would only have one stop, from the plans that they showed me.

I am also upset about a hostile takeover attempt letter I have received from the BART subway system in San Francisco, which is a very badly run system and I should know because I was the manager there long ago. We at Hampton Subway have plenty of money to defend this, but if you want to do your part too, send money to Hampton Subway, 48 Main Street, Hampton Bays. If it exceeds $10,000, we will honor you by mounting a picture of you in a frame halfway between any two stations of your choice. Those zipping by can salute you.