Dan's Papers - January 30, 2009 - Twentysomething

I really am quite fascinated by the fact that Obama uses a Blackberry, has officially gotten his puppy and has decided where his kids are going to school. I'm really hoping that soon I'll read some news on what type of dress his wife wore at the, oh wait, never mind. Well then I'd really like to find out if the media could do a big story on whether or not he wears boxers or briefs, because that would be fascinating. I'd love to know what brand of toilet paper he buys, or if he's made a decision yet on what razor blade he is going to use in the morning, or what drapes he's picking, or what brand of coffee he drinks. Lattes? OH THAT WOULD BE A SCOOP.

Since I voted for Obama, the news coverage has just been so exciting. I think I spent about 18 hours studying his dance moves at the inauguration while watching them over and over online, and then practicing them in an online chat room with some friends using iChat and my built-in laptop camera. I got some pretty good advice on how to improve. I also studied intensely the important politics behind what kind of dress his wife wore at the inauguration. What does it mean that her designer was young? What is the REAL meaning? Does he like young people? Is this a shot at old designers? Did Obama help choose it or was it all his wife's decision? What a conversation this was at the Rattiner dinner table the other night, as it really is important on the outcome of the country and the global economic crisis THAT IS MAKING ME CRAZY EVERY TIME I LOOK AT MY 401K! STOP EATING MY MONEY ECONOMY! STOOOOOOP! AHHHHH!!!!.

In these trying times, I'm lucky to have a 401K, all half of it.

The dress, its meaning, and what it has to do with the economy, is just beyond my understanding is all. The dress was green right? So is money. It's all about the subliminal things.

As a journalist, I decided to do an investigation on the toilet paper Obama uses, because, first, it was my idea to do it and I don't want it to get stolen by some other news organization. Being the first guy to break a story is the coolest thing you can possibly do in the news business.

Second, the American people need to know what brand of toilet paper he uses. It's important. For your future, for my future.

Okay ready folks, here it is. After some investigation, I've discovered that Obama doesn't just use one specific type. He uses all brands and all softnessess. AND, if you can believe it, colors. White, pink, blue - he doesn't see race when it comes to TP. I released all of this information to the Associated Press the same day that this article you're reading was published. That way Dan's Papers would get the exclusive on it, but thanks to the Internet, our exclusive news lasted about eight and a half seconds. So when you see the TP story about Obama on CNN, you can be confident that I was the one who made it happen.