Dans Hamptons

I just can’t believe the story about the guy in Australia that got attacked by a Great White shark about two weeks ago. If you didn’t hear about it, some guy in Australia was SCUBA diving and a Great White shark bit down on half of his body. He was head first inside of the beast. The shark’s teeth hit his lead weight belt and he was able to break free after poking the shark in the eyes and struggling. He survived the attack with some lacerations and a broken nose, but he’ll be fine.

Now, I have never really been scared of getting eaten by a shark. Honestly, when I go swimming in the ocean or bay, it never crosses my mind that a shark could eat me for breakfast. However, just about everybody I know, especially my city friends, believe that you are taking a risk when you jump in the ocean.

I had a brief conversation with my friend Jim, about getting attacked by a shark. “You just never know,” he said.

The theme music to Jaws was playing in my head all day.

About a week later, somebody stole shark teeth, valued at about $30,000 dollars, from the mouth of a shark on display out in Montauk. It was a devastating theft to the community. Nobody thought that anybody would do something like that. To Montaukers, stealing those sharks’ teeth is like stealing pennies from a wishing well. It is just not done.

But it was done. And what struck me the most about this theft were the pictures of the giant jaws that the teeth came from. There are really sharks out there that are that big?

Da dum, da dum, da dum.

Well, I’ll be damned. I thought those kinds of sharks were only in Australia. I’ve been so ignorant all these years. Good thing it’s not summer, sheesh.

I went off to the YMCA in East Hampton to do a little workout and all of this talk about sharks got me thinking that going for a swim was a good idea. I miss the water this time of year. And so I jumped into the pool.

Within thirty seconds, I was certain that there was a shark in this swimming pool.

I began to do laps without goggles on and as I was swimming, my mind could not stop sending me warning signals that a shark was in the pool. Of course it couldn’t be a Great White, that’s ridiculous. It wouldn’t fit in this pool. But a small one might, or worse yet, a group of hungry small sharks.

I opened my eyes under water to take a peek. I needed to be sure. All that I saw was blurry legs and all I felt was burning eyes.

I closed my eyes again and sure enough I felt the fear. This is ludicrous, I thought. I’m a grown man in a swimming pool. There are no sharks in the pool.

I cut my swim workout to about two minutes and hopped out of the pool. I was embarrassed, but was pretty sure nobody thought I was getting out because I was afraid of being attacked by a shark. No, they all just thought I sucked at swimming. I can live with that.

Stupid sharks. Why do they have to be so scary? The thought is just so terrible.

The real kicker to this story is that while driving home, I nearly killed myself when a driver stopped short. Of course, I wasn’t scared of death at all, just really angry at the guy in the Ford in front of me.