Dan's Papers -January 22, 2010 -The New What?

As the renovation of the historic buildings comprising the new East Hampton Town Hall nears completion, the leaders of the town-the councilmen and the new town supervisor-are vowing NOT to move into it.

The reasons are many. One is that the renovations have gone way over budget and the town is broke without the means to find the final $1.5 million to finish it up. Another is the fact that this was former Town Supervisor Bill McGintee's baby and quite a number of people thought it was crackpot. Another is that everyone believes McGintee grossly mismanaged the Town's finances which is why he left office in disgrace. And another is that the winner of this year's election for Supervisor vowed during the campaign to fight to keep from moving into the buildings. And the last is that, with the terrific cold spell we've just gone through, its become increasingly clear that the idea of having half the town government in the new building-it's not big enough to fit the whole government in it-and the other half in the old building is untenable just because of the bitter cold walk between the two.

The historic buildings that have been linked together to comprise the supposed new Town Hall are all 17th- and 18th-century private homes that were donated and moved to the front lawn of the existing old Town Hall by the de Menil family. The de Menils sold their property and the new owner of it wanted to remove from it these historic homes that the De Menils saved from demolition.

The building include seven historic saltbox homes and barns. Four have been linked together by glass walkways to make up the major part of the complex. They are being restored to be 1. the Supervisor's office, 2. the Town Board members office, 3. A small meeting room, and 4. A large meeting room.

One hundred yards away there is the old Town Hall where the town clerk's office and an assessor's office remain. Other town departments are located in individual temporary trailers behind the old Town Hall, or in the Pospisil Real Estate office building on a lot next door which houses other private businesses. In other words, it's a mess. Town Hall departments are everywhere. And there's no central telephone system.

So we have a problem here.

In recent weeks, there has been talk about not using the new Town Hall at all, but instead either selling it and the land that it is on (the front lawn of Town Hall) or renting it out. One thought under consideration is to rent each of the historic buildings to a different artist in town for use as their art studios. This is interesting because East Hampton Town has a law against art studios. All painters have to paint in rooms that are securely attached to their homes. Otherwise, a separate art studio becomes nothing more than a second private home on the property (illegal!) after the artist leaves or passes on. East Hampton is the only town to have such a law.

In any case, I've put on my thinking cap to try to come up with other ideas for what these now-unwanted colonial saltbox buildings could be used for. Here's what I have come up with. I invite readers, by the way, to come up with further thoughts that they can present at danshamptons.com. We're running a contest there to find the best one that comes in over the next two weeks.

1. A sex offender complex. This past week, our county supervisor announced that he is shutting down the group of trailers-one in Riverhead and the other in Westhampton-that presently house sex offenders. Where will they go? They used to live in motels. But nobody wants them back in motels. The new Town Hall is far away from any church or public school. It's perfect to become the new home for Suffolk's 55 sex offenders.

2. Auto repair shops. The town's gas stations all used to have repair bays with mechanics in them to fix up our cars. Now, many have just become mini-marts with gas pumps out front. We need our cars fixed. I think the major four-building complex could be converted into eight auto repair bays. (The other three could be for brake, muffler or transmissions repair.) If the town leases the space to auto mechanics, there would be a great many benefits. One is that the close proximity of them to one another would result in competitive prices. The other is that they could all have a central lounge with a TV where they could talk about women, Nascar and football when business is slow.

3. A zoo. East Hampton does not have a zoo. It's never had a zoo. In fact, I can't think of any zoo within 80 miles of the Hamptons. What a great attraction a zoo would be here. People would come from far and wide. We could have a monkey house in the biggest building, a lion cage in another building, a penguin exhibit in a third and a reptile house in the fourth. All the glass tubes connecting the houses could be walk-through aviaries. A great idea, no?

4. A public housing project. When you think about it, when these houses were originally built in the 18th century, there was no central heating, no running water, no electricity and no plumbing. These were pretty primitive conditions. There wouldn't have to be much in the way of further renovations to make these structures into Section 8 (public) Housing.

5. A water park. Fill all the buildings halfway with water. They could each be an indoor swimming pool. The tubes between them could become water flumes. In the largest building, we could put in a wave making machine. Our surfing community would love this.

6. A miniature golf course. Indoors.

7. A food court. All the fast food restaurants, which by law are banned from East Hampton Town, could be set up in this central four building complex. We could have Wendy's, McDonald's, Burger King, KFC, Taco Bell, Arby's and Pizza Hut. The town could vote that this one-acre complex would be an exception to the law prohibiting fast food. It would be same principle that would allow a gambling casino. EVERYBODY would come. It would be a big hit. And with the rent charged, inflated for the fast food big boys, we could get out of debt.

8. A gambling casino.

9. A strolling, indoor, historical tour of the history of East Hampton, from the time of the Native Americans to the present day. Around each turn would be a new surprise. Our first settler meeting the tribal chief. Whaling. The era when the colonists thought there were witches. The Revolutionary War encounters. The Underground Railroad just before the Civil War. A shipwreck. Our local school kids would be forced to come, one classroom at a time. Cell phones off.

10. International headquarters for PETA, including a walk-through photo exhibit of people doing terrible things to defenseless animals. And once every two weeks, commandos from PETA could walk around the old Town Hall at night to the trailer where the dog catchers work and free all the animals.