The Sheltered Islander #432

Shelter Island Stress Test

People pay a lot of money for a stress test. Just the fact that you have to PAY to see how much stress you can take is stressful. But if you live on Shelter Island, you can get a stress test for $14. Just get on the North Ferry from either side during a storm, with high winds, at high tide. For the $12 ferry fee, plus $2, they’ll put you on the Shelter Island Ferry Test list, SIFT for short.

You can decide whether or not you want to take the test while you wait in line. As the cars get off, you can see how everyone did on the test. The people who drive away did fine. The drivers who look green, but can still drive, barely passed. The ones who pull over, get out, run to the dock and hang their heads over the water did not pass at all.

You can drive away or proceed onto the ferry and take the test. If you proceed, the first fun part is driving up the ramp at 45 degrees and tipping your car onto the ferry while it slams between the mooring poles like a rodeo bull trying to get out of the gate. When the ferry person takes comes to your window, tell them you’re there for the SIFT. With your ticket, you get a prayer card and an airsickness bag.

You can gauge the severity of the test by taking note of where the crew goes after they’ve cast off. If the crew is relaxed in the lower cabin, it’s going to be an easy test. If they’re standing by the life preservers, the test will be challenging. If they are wearing life preservers, the test will be very hard. If any crewmember is holding a giant squashed square of yellow vinyl with their hand on a pull string, that’s the inflatable dingy and also a sign to start using the prayer card.

The ferry will jive far out and be slammed by waves. All cars will be hit by salt water or salt spray. Your stomach rises and falls. You’ll become sweaty or short of breath. The stress test is going well if you’re clutching your chest. You feel your car jerk forward and back and each time you panic that your car is going to hit the one in back of you, even though you know that the cars in front and back of you are jerking in perfect sync with yours. The only people who have to worry are the ones who got on first and last. They have the bonus stress of hoping the gates will hold.

You begin to remember the instructions about what to do if you’re in a car that’s sinking under water. Stay in the car until the car fills with water (so the pressure is equalized and you can open your door), take a big breath, open the door and swim to the surface. Forget this if you’re on the ferry. The channel is 95 feet deep. By the time the car fills with water, you’ll be 94 feet down and when you open the door, the water pressure will deflate your lungs. Best advice on the ferry — undo your seat belt, keep the door unlocked and if that ferry starts to roll over, get out!

Finally, the ferry will turn and let the current push it sideways towards the dock. Traveling sideways while facing forward, gives you a chance to look and see who built a new deck. It takes your mind off your impending doom.

Just to look cool, lots of people eat or put on makeup during a SIFT. Many’s the time I’ve arrived at work with spilled coffee on my blouse and lipstick in my eyebrows. People here are used to it. They just look at you and say, “Heavy chop today?”

After the ferry is thrown into the dock, the ferrymen go to the SIFT people and punch your ticket with a P for Passed, PO for Passed Out, UB for Used the Bag, SB for Should have used the Bag, and the dreaded SO for SIFTed Out. If you get an SO, you can’t travel on the ferry during severe weather again.

SOs are the people who jump out of their cars and try to take over the wheelhouse. Or the ones who run from car to car, banging on everyone’s window yelling, “Save yourselves!” All SOs are non-Islanders because an Islander would never be seen panicking like that. An Islander would just grab the inflatable dingy and quietly jump off the back of the ferry without attracting all that attention.

So, the next time your doctor orders a boring medical office stress test, ask if you can take a SIFT instead, free peck of clams with every prescription.