DECIDING WHO TO VOTE FOR IN BRIDGEHAMPTON

By Dan Rattiner

In the golden age of American letters, there was the round table at the Algonquin Hotel on 44th Street between Fifth and Sixth. Dorothy Parker held forth. James Thurber made witty remarks. Robert Benchley came up with all sorts of theories. And they’d talk and have dinner.

At a friend’s house in Bridgehampton, in the global age of television, a bunch of us were sitting around the round table in our dining room, where we had just polished off three glasses of wine each and a big meal. We were talking about the upcoming Presidential campaign, because the week before, Hillary Clinton had declared her candidacy.

“Did any of you take that AOL poll?” Marlene asked.

“I did,” Dr. Jim said.

“The results were remarkable,” Marlene said. “They had four candidates and you were asked who you would vote for if the election were held today.”

“Who were they?” a man with a moustache asked.

“Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Rudolph Giuliani, and Barak Obama,” Dr. Jim said.

“I couldn’t help myself,” Marlene said. “I voted for Barak Obama.”

“And he won,” Dr. Jim said. “It was Barak Obama first, Rudolph Giuliani second, John McCain third and Hillary Clinton fourth. And I voted for Barak Obama too.”

“The surprise is Hillary Clinton was fourth,” Marlene said.

“I’m not surprised,” said a wealthy woman with very expensive jewelry.

“I think it’s AOL,” a younger man said. “AOL is for older people. Everybody else is leaving AOL.”

“300,000 people voted,” said Marlene. “That’s a lot.”

“There’s millions of people still on AOL,” said the young woman. “And they are all just too old to figure out how to get off.”

“Why couldn’t you vote for Hillary?” a young woman asked Marlene. “We campaigned together for her. I think she’s great.”

“I don’t know. There’s just something about her.”

“I know,” Dr. Jim said. “We could have a woman as president, but Hillary is not that kind of woman.”

“What are you talking about?” the man with the moustache asked.

“I’m talking about Margaret Thatcher. About that woman who was the Governor of Texas for a while. What’s her name?”

“Ann Richards.”

“These are women who make up their minds to do something and then persuade the men around them that that’s the way it’s going to be. And they do it in a nice way. Hillary Clinton doesn’t have that.”

“I can tell you someone else who has that,” the man with the moustache said. “Julia Child.”

“Yes she does,” said Marlene. “Or did.”

“You remember that restaurant that was out on the highway in Sagaponack, before Alison by the Beach and before whatever it is they are building now?”

“Roger’s?”

“Yes. You’d go in the Men’s Room there. It was quite unnerving. They had an audio tape of one of Julia Child’s TV shows playing over a speaker system with the volume up pretty loud. She’s in there. She’d be chopping parsley or something. It was loud. And it was a very small Men’s Room. It was so intimidating, I’ve never forgotten it. Yes, she’d make a great president.”

“So let’s say Barak Obama is running for president as a Democrat. Is middle America going to buy that?”

“I think so,” said the young man.

“So who would be his running mate?”

“Somebody normal. Old school. Joe Biden?”

“He has hair transplants. And he’s from the northeast. Nobody from the northeast wins anything anymore.”

“Delaware is not in the northeast,” Marlene said.

“How about Oprah?” the young woman said. “She’s the most popular woman in America.”

“Can you see an Obama Oprah bumper sticker?” said the man with a moustache.

“Well, I think there is a good guy who is the Governor of New Mexico,” somebody said.

There was silence for a while. Nobody knew who that might be, but he sounded all right.

“How about for the Republicans? What about John McCain? He’s the front runner.”

“He’s got really puffed up cheeks. Have you seen that? I can’t vote for someone with puffed up cheeks like that.”

“I think it’s from the war and his injuries. Steroids, I bet.”

“Maybe people feel for him. He did finish second. And I think Middle America likes him.”

“He finished third. Giuliani finished second.”

“I can’t see Giuliani winning anything. He’s brave and everything. But 9/11 was five years ago.”

“What about Schwarzenegger?”

“Now THERE is somebody who is accomplishing something. But is it worth changing the laws?”

“Yes.”

“I’d never vote for somebody born in another country,” said the man with the moustache.

“You know who would make a GREAT president?” Dr. Jim said. “Jodi Rell.”

“Who is she?”

“She’s the Governor of Connecticut. And a Republican. When the old governor, John Rowland, had to resign because he misappropriated funds, she was the Lieutenant Governor and was made Governor. Everybody thought she would just be the interim governor. She had been a secretary or something. Who thinks of Lieutenant Governors? But she stepped up to the plate. She’s got real backbone, she’s got lots of good ideas, she’s got a lot done, she stands up to everybody, and she won the new election for governor in a landslide.”

“I’ll vote for her. But how do you know all this?”

“I listen to FM radio every morning. And here in East Hampton it all comes from Connecticut. She’s terrific.”

“As good as Margaret Thatcher? As good as Julia Child?”

“Yes.”

“Does she cook?”

“I’m told Michael Bloomberg cooks,” said Marlene.

And so it went, on and on into the night. "

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