Dan's Papers - January 16, 2009 - Err, A Parent

This is a rant, so if you're not in the mood, consider yourself forewarned.

I'm simply at the end of my rope when it comes to the education shakedown. As much as I should really get an A for effort in self-control, I may not be able to exercise restraint much longer.

There were many reasons why my partner and I decided to leave Manhattan four years ago. A lesser, yet significant, one was that we couldn't see ourselves living through 16 years of the constant grilling on where our son would go/is going to school. So we moved to our house in East Hampton, and, shock of shocks, we are still subject to it.

But, back to the city. My first experience with the shakedown was in the Bleeker Street playground when our son was 18 months old. I ran into another mom whom I usually saw daily, but wasn't there the day before. "Oh, I had to take him for an interview at a preschool. Where are you applying?"

I looked down at the two toddlers, teetering as they fought over a ball, blabbering largely incomprehensible words, and imagined how that interview might have gone.

Where was I applying? Short of enrolling myself in an institution for "First time moms over 40 who are in for the ride of their lives but had no clue," I couldn't imagine what she was talking about.

But of course, she was referring to the grueling private school treadmill that begins when a child is as young as 18 months old.

I thought being accosted in the park that day was an isolated incident, but it was just the beginning of the recurring nightmare of the shakedown, where you are barraged by questions in rapid-fire succession. It reminded me of when people - strangers - would shake us down about why we decided to formula-feed rather than nurse. I was interviewing for a job out here, and the incredibly inappropriate person I met with actually felt entitled to lecture me on the benefits of breast milk. (This was for an editorial job, by the way, unrelated to the pediatric health.)

The same entitlement comes to play in the shakedown, where virtual strangers provide unsolicited advice, commentary an judgment on your choice of how to educate your child.

Here in the Hamptons, the shakedown is much less frequent, except among people from the city. In fact, it usually comes from parents thinking of relocating here who are terrified of the public schools on the East End. They usually say, "Where are you sending him? Ross?" assuming that, since we're from the city, we would consider no other choice but one of the few private schools out here. And it will go on, once you reveal your choice: "How do you like it? How does he like it? Are the teachers good? What's the class size?"

"Yes, I'm fine. How are you?" I want to answer.

Our son is 5 1/2. He has gone to four different schools out here. He has had a great experience at ALL of them. Just don't ask me which ones. I won't tell you.

But for all those wondering about the many, accredited public, private and parochial schools out here, for those losing sleep over where their five-year-olds will be educated, I will assuage the fears and tell you which school is the best: It's the one where your child is learning, growing, safe, and happy.