Dan's Papers - January 16, 2009 - Escape from Montauk

On May 1, 2008, a tractor-trailer from Virginia carrying a small herd of cattle arrived at Dusty Leaver's Deep Hollow Ranch in Montauk. Among the herd was a young cow with a swollen leg. Leaver told a rookie cowpoke from South Dakota to put her in a separate pen, but no sooner than was inside, the gimp heifer jumped a fence and escaped. She didn't return until January 1, 2009 - fully eight months later to the day.

How did a young cow with a bum leg jump a five-foot fence?

What prompted her escape?

And most importantly, what did she do for eight months?

Some think the cow (named "Amelia" by the Leavers, after adventuress Amelia Earhart), simply did what cows on Long Island have done for centuries - graze on the East End during peak grass season, only to return to their ranches in late fall.

But a discovery by Dan's Papers has proven otherwise. Hidden in a remote corner of the Montauk cliffs near the estates of Peter Beard and Paul Simon (where the cow had been spotted from time to time), was a thin journal, wherein she outlined her motives, strategy and activities.

Entries reveal that the cow was not simply an unwitting member of a herd who, in a devil-may-care moment, jumped a fence and ran away - as was thought by the Leavers. This defection, as it turned out, was a well crafted escape plan forged by an ambitious, upwardly mobile bovine with one goal and one goal only: to be among the glitterati of the Hampton.

The journal alludes to her obsession with East Hampton's fabled Grey Gardens - its residents and history, as well as the cinematic and theatrical successes it inspired. In fact, on the journal's cover (which was made of pleather) were the words: "Little Eatie's Memoirs" - Little Eatie being the name by which the cow referred to herself, after "Little Eadie" and "Big Eadie" Bouvier Beale.

However, it becomes clear in the last entries in the journal, that the heifer's shoddy "No cow left behind" education was the cause of great confusion and, ultimately, abject despair. Eatie misread "Bouvier," as "Bovine," and believed that East Hampton's Grey Gardens was inhabited by a cow and her calf who still liveD there.

Following are excerpts from Eatie's journal. NB: Although the young cow's ancestry harkens back to the regal Black Angus of Scotland, her more recent heritage was back woods Virginia stock, by way of Tennessee. Thus the accent.

April 23, 2008: All hell's breakin' loose - usually does 'round tax time, I'm told. Looks like a bunch of us are goin' on some kind a trip up yonder to a place called "Montalk." Better look that up on Ask Jeeves.

April 25: Well I'm as happy as a pig in mud without the muck. "Montauk" is a spit away from East Hampton! I gotta git myself on that trailer! So tomorrow, during grazin' time, I'll mosey behind the horse chestnut and wait till nightfall, then jump into the pen with the cows set to go.

April 28: I'm in the trailer! Swapped places in the pen with Clara - she doesn't care for Yankees so she gave me her ear tag.

April 29: Dang! I'm gonna bust a gut! Just found out that we're goin' to the Hamptons to be fattened up to sell for food! I thought they were civilized up there. I need to hatch a plan fast!

April 30: I could just kick myself - in fact, I have! Thank the dear lord for my thespian inclinations. I've been stompin' on my leg a little to get it swole up. Don't feel near as bad as it looks.

May 1: It worked! I fooled 'em! I hobbled out of the trailer and sure enough that nice lookin' rancher sent me to a separate pen with a wet-behind-the-ears cowpoke. Soon as he turned his back - Boom! I was gone! Over the fence and across the pasture. Never looked back.

May 15: Oohh. It is nice here in Montauk. I ordered a Star Map from some Hollywood outfit to show me where the celebs live. I've been hanging out at Paul Simon's, Peter Beard's and Dick Cavett's houses. He has some spread!

May 23: STAMPEDE! Where the hell did all these people come from! I high tailed it back to Cavett's property to hide out. Don't want to end up back at the ranch.

May 25: I traveled by night to East Hampton. I was thirsty and heard they were givin' free drinks at a place called Very - very lucky for me! There was a chic art show going on, but all of a sudden the cops showed up! Somehow they tracked me down so I hid out behind some kind of barn.

Then I saw it: Branding iron marks for somethin' called the RL Ranch! Later in the night, when the cops left, I got the hell out of Dodge! I'm back in Montauk. Figure they think I'm long gone from there.

June 13: Just can't pull myself away from Montauk. There a club called Surf Lodge that is packed with stars - or people who look like them, at least.

July 12: I'm back in East Hampton, avoiding the RL Ranch and Very. I just couldn't get enough of these parties called "Benefits." I met all kinds of interesting people and celebs - had my picture taken with that nice lady from the gallery.

July 25: I've been in a little town called Sag Harbor. Whew! Feels safe here. The only thing they hunt up here is something called "developers" - like paparazzi I guess. There was a fancy party on a pier. Everything was great until they served the main course: Roast Beef! Damn Yankees!

Aug. 12: I've been in Southampton for a while. Just love the beaches and parties. A met a guy named "May Dove," probably a member of that Indian tribe. But he asked if I wanted to buy stock! Said it's a bull market! I didn't think that was funny at all and stormed out. In my rush I left the door open and someone yelled, "Hey! Were you raised in a barn?" These Hamptonites can get awful catty.

Aug. 20: Gotta tell on myself: Eatin' and drinkin' at all those parties has made me a big as a horse! No Lilly Pulitzer for this cow - even though patterns can be slimming.

Aug. 28: I've been at the most divine horse show! Beautiful people and great shopping - although there was a little too much leather for my taste. And the hides! I swear I saw Uncle Billy. We always wondered what became of him...

Sept. 10: It's gotten awful quiet. Most of the chi chi crowd are gone and I didn't get to meet Spielberg! I looked for him in Georgica - believe me when I tell you the grass really is greener there - but it's hard to find your way around. Knew I should a' brought the GPS.

Oct. 3: I stayed through September then followed the migration to Palm Springs. I'll surprise the Beales at Christmas. In the meantime, trying to drop some of this lard! I've put on 300 pounds!

Dec. 26: Quel Horreur! I went to Grey Gardens yesterday and it was one disappointment after another! The Beale's don't live there! They were run out of town. The fancy couple in the house shooed me away!

But the worst part is, the Beales, my role models, aren't cows! "Bouvier" is not another way to spell "bovine." My life is a lie!

Dec. 27: I heard of a place called Elsa's Ark, but knowing her she only helps dairy cows.

Dec. 31: This will be my last entry. I'm goin' back to the ranch tomorrow because I got no reason to live. (Good thing I left that trail of white paint on the sidewalks so I could retrace my steps.) I am hidin' this diary in the dunes, in hopes it'll be made into a feature film when found. Oh what a world! What a world!

Editor's Note: When Amelia returned, the Leavers considered selling the prodigal cow as health food beef (since she was naturally if not overly fed). But as of this writing they are still mulling over the idea of keeping Eatie at the ranch, providing her with a "reprieve," and perhaps a chance fulfill her lifelong dream of celebrity.