Dan's Papers - January 18, 2008 - Many Happy Returns

Let's talk returns. Not political and not gift returns that North Forkers are making after this holiday season. The sweater that itches, the slippers that don't fit, the kitchen gadget that sits on the countertop that hasn't an inch of space left unless you remove the lunch boxes, the mail, the plant that needs a bath, or the cookie jar. And who could do that?

The returns I'm thinking of are indeed holiday related. Those empty bottles and cans. A dozen varieties of soda including diet and decaffeinated. Beer cans, quite a of few of them. Old standards, some from Long Island breweries, and of course, the imports. Then there are the bottled waters. Expensive yes, but appealing to some discerning drinkers. Me? Well, I'm satisfied with what Suffolk County Water Authority provides. I drink it, water houseplants with it, make soup with it, even put it in my steam iron.

So through all the dinners and parties and visits since Thanksgiving, North Fork empties have been accumulating. First in big bags on the back porch and then in bigger boxes in the garage. It's time to load 'em into the car and bring them to the Return Room in the supermarket.

Return Room is not quite an accurate description. Too comfortable-sounding. My North Fork supermarket provides a tiny, partially-enclosed cubicle outside the store. It admits plenty of wind, rain and snow but only two customers and their carts full of empties at one time.

On a good day, redemption machines are ready to go. But not all days are good. Machines are often filled and customers are supposed to press a button to get an employee to come out and empty them. My pressing skills seem ineffective. Either no response or I'm connected to the meat department. So into the store I go, pushing my filled cart to the courtesy counter. The nice lady says she'll send someone right out and why don't I do my shopping in the meantime.

I wondered how other North Forkers coped with the return procedure. Maybe I could learn from them. So one day, when I might have been home making soup with tap water, I hung around the Return Room and asked a few returners about their experiences and what they did with the nickels and dimes that fell into their hands when the machines are working. I save my return coins in a coffee mug on the dresser in my bedroom. When the coins total five or ten dollars, I roll them up, bring them to the bank, and exchange them for bills. Then we eat out.

The first person I met in the Return Room was a handsome guy with eyes full of fun. Five-year-old Kevini Ventura from Greenport came with his daddy, Amadeo, and together they unloaded a cart full of empties.

"Did you drink all that soda?" I asked Kevini. And the little kindergartner told me his favorite was bottled water. Well, I certainly felt good about Kevini's teeth.

But alas, my delight was short-lived. For when Amadeo takes coins from the machines, he puts them in little Kevini's little pockets. What does Kevini do with the money? Why, he buys candy. "Lots of chocolate candy."

This next lady returns an awful lot of empties. She couldn't possibly drink that much! And she doesn't. Cutchogue's Dotty Kotylak collects empties. From her Bingo pals (Dotty plays three or four times a week) who are not inclined to redeem empties. Dotty goes to Bingo with a big plastic bag and fills it almost always.

Listen to this. Dotty takes long walks in her neighborhood and is a one-woman environmentalist. For years she's collected cans and bottles discarded by thoughtless people (there are a few on the North Fork). She averages five discards per walk. Thank you, Dotty. We're looking good because of you.

Well, now you know our secret - how North Forkers become so wealthy. We drink a lot of soda and collect a lot of coins. "Take care of the pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves." My grandma told me that years ago. She was some smart lady. But truthfully, I don't think she amassed her few hundred dollars from bottle redemptions. Family lore says she owned a half dozen shares of phone company stock.