Dan's Papers - January 18, 2008 - Twentysomething...By David Lion Rattiner

"According to Google Maps I am 60 miles away and going 70 miles per hour."

"So you'll be here when?"

"Actually I'm going 60 miles per hour."

This was a conversation I had with my friend as I headed for New York City. The two of us were on a mission to get our travel visas for a vacation to Rio de Janeiro during Carnival celebration, and neither one of us wanted to screw this up.

I arrived in New York City, went to James' apartment on the Upper East Side (he thinks he's so cool), met up with some of his friends and his roommate and headed to a margarita bar.

If there is one thing about New York City that makes it the greatest city in the world it is the number of good-looking people, both men and women, that are simply everywhere. We walked into this bar and I felt like I was at a supermodel convention. Everybody looked like they were between 25 and 35 years old, in shape and smart. New York City is the popular lunch table at the world's high school.

The following morning James and I walked as fast as possible to the Brazilian Embassy in Manhattan, which is a lot like the DMV but with hot Brazilian people working there, giving a lot of attitude. We were prepared with our passports, $130 money orders, our travel itinerary and two-inch head shots of ourselves. While we waited for our number to be called, we watched episodes of "Seinfeld" on James' iTouch, which is basically an iPhone, but minus the phone.

I also quickly filled out my visa application. One of the questions struck me as odd. "What is the purpose of your visit to Brazil? Please check one below." I scanned my options and saw the box that I could check indicating I was going for tourism only. However, another box read, "I am going on a top secret government authorized mission."

I really wanted to check that box. I thought about all of the spies who have checked that box, but then I realized that a real spy would never check that box. That is one stupid box.

After a quick stamp, a few questions and a few signatures, it was official - we were going to Brazil. I was pretty excited about all of this until we visited James' dad's gallery on 60th and Madison Avenue, called the Macklowe Gallery. A salesman there is Brazilian and wanted to give us some tips for our trip.

When we arrived we had to be buzzed in through a security door and I couldn't figure out what all of the fuss was about. There were a few paintings on the walls, but what was really overwhelming about this place was all the retro-looking stained glass lamps that were hanging and sitting on tables. "They really need to modern this place up," I thought. "These lamps must be killing business."

As I leaned my weight on one of the tables where four stained glass lamps were standing and ducked my head underneath a hanging lamp, Mike the Brazilian salesman looked at me with terror as I grazed my hair on the overhanging lamp. "Please step away from that very, very slowly," he said.

I got nervous. Did he see a mouse or something? I stepped away slowly but deliberately. "Every single one of those lamps over there were originally hand crafted by Tiffany over a century ago. They are worth between $200,000 and $500,000 each," Mike told me.

"Oh, so that explains why these or so gorgeous."

I nearly had a heart attack right then and there.

"So you're going to Brazil, are you?"

"Sure are. You are going to love it. This is going to be the best vacation of your life. It's just the perfect world there. It's amazing. Make sure you're careful though."

"Crime is really bad. Dress humbly. Don't bring a watch or any jewelry and don't walk around with a lot of money. If a girl asks you to sip her drink, don't do it. They'll slip in a drug, knock you out and kidnap you and take you for everything you've got. Don't bring a digital camera either. Just buy a disposable. Watch your back."

"Wow, sounds pretty intense."

"It is. It's the most amazing place in the world. I don't even know why I'm here in New York. I just want to move back there. It's like heaven on Earth - the food, the women, the weather. It's like God painted a picture of all things good and out came Brazil."