Dan's Papers - January 18, 2008 - Illegals from Sagaponack

Over the years, certain villages in the Hamptons have come to associate themselves, proudly, with certain slogans.

East Hampton calls itself "America's Most Beautiful Village." Montauk is called "The Fishing Capital of the World." And Southampton is recognized as "The Queen of America's Watering Places."

But something is happening with the slogan taken on by the Village of Sagaponack. This is a newly formed village, as you probably know, and so at its founding, it took on a new slogan. "America's Most Expensive ZIP Code."

Sagaponack achieved this honor five years ago, even before its founding, when as a hamlet, it was so designated by Forbes magazine. Forbes bestows designations on all sorts of things during its calendar year. And so it was that on the first occasion when they studied the property values, net worths and income tax returns of the various citizens around the country, put them into a bottle and shook them up, they found that the most expensive address is Sagaponack, and so its post office ZIP code 11962 the most exclusive.

Well, as they say on Wall Street, that was then and this is now. This year, on the Forbes list of "100 Most Expensive ZIP Codes" published just last week, nearby Amagansett and Water Mill have risen to fifth and sixth (the first four are in New Jersey, California and Florida). Bridgehampton, which borders Sagaponack, has risen to number fourteen and Wainscott, which borders Sagaponack on the other side, has risen up to 63. And Quogue made the list at 43. It's the Forbes 100. Poor Sagaponack, in just one year, has dropped from number one to right off the bottom of the list to who knows where. Never has a community, which has so attached itself to a particular slogan, been so humiliated.

What happened? The obvious explanation is that the super-rich residents of Sagaponack have secretly and illegally emigrated across the borders to Wainscott and Bridgehampton and to the villages beyond.

Why has nobody noticed that this has happened? Because the borders of Sagaponack are only lightly patrolled. It is no problem at all for rich people, sitting behind the tinted rear windows of their limousines, to make their way out of Sagaponack and into the surrounding communities without being noticed at all.

I think it is scandalous that these people are allowed to cross the borders into Wainscott and Bridgehampton and places beyond with such ease. Where are our immigration officials? Our border patrols? Our customs workers?

The impact on these surrounding communities has been just devastating. (And particularly in faraway Quogue, where, for some unknown reason, the former Sagaponackers have congregated.)

Black limousines with uniformed chauffeurs have now displaced the local populace in parking spaces in these downtowns. And because the chauffeurs keep their engines running at all times, there is a constant stream of noxious gasses emanating from the limousines' exhaust pipes up into the atmosphere.

And there has been a dramatic increase in the number of people on the streets who exude a formal frosty politeness - who say yes, sir and as you wish, sir and who sometimes click their heels together and nod once.

These are not the rich, of course. The rich do not deign to have their Guccis touch the sidewalk beyond the hedgerows of their exclusive estates. These are their minions, their servants and their hangers-on, out on the streets doing the necessary shopping - toilet paper, Lysol, minks and diamonds and so forth - and their politeness is smothering. In these surrounding downtowns, until now, the devil-may-care informal attitude has been a breath of fresh air and happiness. Now, all is replaced with these obsequious sorts who, frankly, should not be there.

They should go back to Sagaponack, where they came from.

I know, I know, there are some that say that this is America and we are ALL from somewhere else originally, and we should be gracious and kind. And we should set up some sort of time frame so that these illegal immigrants and their employees from Sagaponack can someday achieve actual citizenship.

But I disagree. And others in the know do too. Who needs these people and their chilly minions in the shadows? Who knows what they think? Who knows what strange customs, ceremonies and traditions they follow?

Dan's Papers proposes that the people of Wainscott and Bridgehampton meet and make available the money to build a high chain link fence around Sagaponack. I am told, by the way, that a group of retirees calling themselves the Vigilantes are driving vintage Oldsmobiles slowly up and down Town Line Road and Ocean Road, binoculars and cell phones at the ready, looking for the telltale signs of fleeing moguls. When they see one, the cell phones are whipped out, the call is made to the authorities and these people are stopped, arrested and hauled off.

But the border is nearly twenty miles around, and the Vigilantes can only provide a stopgap solution to the situation. They cannot be everywhere. For every Sagaponacker who gets lassoed, hogtied and drug away, a dozen more escape to get through. As far as I can see, Sagaponack continues to leak like a sieve.

Last week, this newspaper reported on an extraordinary situation in Southampton Village, where a very wealthy man proposed building a 7,700-square-foot home on a half-acre parcel in a neighborhood where, side by side, there are normal sized 1,700 square foot homes inhabited by happy residents.

This man is from Sagaponack. I am sure of it. Maybe. And don't tell me that in our communities that border Sagaponack (and poor faraway Quogue) the local police are supposed to turn a blind eye when arresting illegals for minor infractions because, as they say, they have no affiliation with the Immigration Service. Arrest this man immediately.

The Sagaponackers have to be rounded up, even if it involves nighttime raids, and be sent back to where they came from. Otherwise, Amagansett, Wainscott, Bridgehampton, Water Mill and poor little Quogue are doomed to a lifetime of caviar, quiche, truffles, root vegetables and stupefying obsequiousness.

Let's put it this way. Help Sagaponack restore its reputation as the country's most expensive ZIP code. It's only the right thing to do.