The Sheltered Islander #431

Compuphonavision, Big Bush is Watching...

By Sally Flynn

Apple just announced that their new iPod will double as a phone. Okay, let me get this.... my iPod (radio) will also download movies (theater) so I can watch Titanic get hit by an ice cube on the two inch screen. It gives me Internet access (computer) and now it can be a phone with as much poor reception as I need. So my iPod doubles as a computer, theater, and phone. My computer doubles as a radio, TV and phone. My TV can give me radio and Internet access, but I can’t talk to it yet. So if the TV gets phone access, the circle will be complete.

All of our cell phones have Global Positioning Chips (GPS) now (post 9/11) so they (we) can be found anywhere, anytime. All our computers have GPS chips now so they can be found anytime... in case they run off. Our cars have GPS chip in their navigation systems, so we can find them or a voice can find us. It’s in the works to add a GPS chip to iPods and Blackberries now, I don’t know what the reason will be for that, but it will have to do with ‘public safety’ since that’s the code word to get anything by the people. It’s a good thing America has a totally trustworthy government so we can be confident that these listeners and locaters will never be abused.

The hottest selling bathroom home item today, according to Modern Home, is a fish tank toilet tank. No, I’m not kidding, check yahoo.com. The tank is a fish tank with live fish and a phony tank behind it with the flush water. It is a howl to see!

But then I put it together.... this is probably a government funded project. They want us to get accustomed to the idea of watching our toilet tanks. Soon they’ll replace with fish with emblems of sports teams, so you can symbolically flush teams you hate. Then, they’ll add a TV screen attachment that can be mounted on the wall in front of the commode. It will activate when you sit down and you can watch TV while you’re there. Over time, you’ll want more technology. So they’ll develop a switch to flip from TV to computer function with a swing arm attachment that holds your keyboard and toilet paper. Now you’ll be able to email while you’re on the can. No more trying to sneakily use the bathroom while you’re on the cell phone and hold your thumb over the speaker while you flush, you will be able to email and download, while you download, and no one will know....

But the government must know more about you, you’re so fascinating. Soon, there will be sensors in the seat that record your weight. The information will be sent to your refrigerator that will keep a record of how many times it is opened and will record what is taken out and by whom. This info will go to the government who keeps tracks of food supplies and you will be banned from buying fattening foods when you use your debit card at the market. You’ll swoop the card through the machine and a loud ‘Bad Person Alarm’ will go off like a siren. You’ll have to surrender all the unapproved items. But you won’t be allowed to complain because it’s for your own good. The black market on Entenmanns will be huge!

But weight... there’s more information the government can get from your ass. A scanner can imbedded in the seat. It will check you for colon, prostate and uterine cancer while you’re there and send the results straight to your insurance company for early denial of coverage. You’ll get your denial letter before you even see your physician, which, you have to admit, saves a lot of time for both you and the doctor and you won’t have to waste one sick day!

Oh, I know you probably think this is silly. But there was a time when I thought it was silly to think that my government could ever monitor my phone records, listen in to my phone conversations check my bank records, all without a warrant. Soon, with the advent of the RFID card (Radio Frequency Identification Card) next year, which has a GPS chip and we will be mandated to carry at all times, the government will be able to find all of us anywhere, anytime. But it’s all for our safety, isn’t it? Big Bush, I mean Big Brother, I mean the Bush Administration only thinks of the people and how it can use them, I mean, how it can be useful to them. Sorry, what am I thinking? Sorry again, I mean what am I allowed to think?