Classic Cars with Bob Gelber

It's that time of year when we have to start fulfilling our newly conceived resolutions. When it comes to automobiles, the only resolution I made was to stop getting so angry at the road hogs who clog the left lane on expressways, driving as if they own the lane without a thought about those lined up behind. Don't people realize that the left lane is the passing lane? So if you are not passing anyone, stay out of it! Help prevent road rage and a spike in my blood pressure - drive smart.

As for New Year's resolutions, one of the perks of being a big time automotive journalist in the Hamptons writing for the Hamptons' foremost publication is that I get to hobnob with many of the big time celebrities who both live and vacation here. I decided to ask many of them what resolutions they made this year regarding anything to do with the world of driving and automobiles. The following are purely imaginary answers since they were all too busy to take my calls.

Barack Obama, presidential wannabe. "I've decided this year to stop using my electronic E-pass when going through toll booths. From now on I'll meet the toll taker and ask him or her about his family. I'll pay the toll with lots of change. I'm a man of change. By the way, I like all you people in the Hamptons. Don't change. Vote for me."

Donald Trump, real estate mogul. "As you know none of my friends really drive, we all have chauffeurs. Only fools drive in Manhattan. The resolutions I made this year are to trade in the S Class Mercedes for a long wheel base Bentley, and fire my current driver. He always hogs the left lane on the LIE."

Ralph Lauren, fashion guru and world class car collector. Mumbling on the phone, he admitted to an addiction, and said, "I must stop buying Ferraris, I must stop buying Ferraris, I must stop buying Ferraris."

Hillary Clinton, presidential wannabe. "The resolution I made is that if I'm elected President I will not only secure universal health care for every American, but also universal car care. Today it costs more to repair a new high-tech car than to get a good appendix operation. It's a national shame. America has the highest car care costs in the world. All Americans who drive cars, vote for me."

George W. Bush, current President of the United States. "Hi Bob, just wanted to, er, say that from now on, er, I'm going to stop using my seven thousand pound 395 horsepower bulletproof Ford F-250 pickup on the ranch and, er, get around on my new Huffy mountain bike. We Americans are addicted to oil and I hate addictions and anything 'nucular.' Catch my drift, buddy?"

Martha Stewart, good taste maven. "The automotive resolution that I made this year is to get rid of my black Range Rover and trade it in for a green Range Rover. Black is out, and green is making a comeback, for obvious ecological reasons. Plus, a green Rover will look so much better parked on my dove gray Hamptons driveway, picking up the mellow hues of the forest green rhododendrons planted around my perfectly proportioned architecturally designed porch."

Paris Hilton, wealthy and attractive actress. "What's a resolution?"

Rudy Giuliani, presidential wannabe. "Hi, first let me tell ya that I love the Hamptons. My resolution is to stop mentioning 911 in every sentance and even sell my Porsche 911. If I'm elected President I'll make sure that what happens in the Hamptons, stays in the Hamptons. Vote for me."

Billy Joel, homegrown singer and songwriter. "This year I've promised myself to stop composing songs while driving late at night around the back roads of the Hamptons. I'm sick and tired of those frisky Hamptons trees jumping out in front of me in the dark."

John McCain, presidential wannabe. "My resolution is to win the election and strengthen America. Also, some people call me old. I'm not old, seventy is the new thirty. Remember all you folks out there who collect old cars, they don't build 'em like they used to. Vote for me."

Rush Limbaugh, right-wing conservative talk show host. "Frankly Bob, I hate the Hamptons and all you rich left wing east coast commies who live out there. I'm not going to tell you what kind of car I drive because I know you really don't give a rat's ass about what I think. By the way, did you know that Hillary can't even drive a standard shift car and in 1972 Obama got two speeding tickets in Macon, Georgia while driving a German car. Believe me, it gets worse."

Bob Gelber, an automotive journalist living in the Hamptons, appears regularly on television as an automotive expert. You can email him at bobgelber@aol.com

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