Dan's Papers - January 11, 2008

The term bachelor pad hasn't always been so tough to define. Most commonly, it refers to a male yuppie dwelling in a major city with all the enticing accoutrements money can buy. However, the other side of the coin represents a sloppy, post-collegiate pad nostalgic for keg parties and using charcoal grills indoors during the winter. In my post-collegiate experience I've found the definition lies somewhere between the two. It's a bizarre paradox world where flat screen HDTVs are as common as dirty boxers on the floor and cheese whiz in the cabinet. And while men will always be slobs in one way or another, there are a few key things one needs to transform his gaudy dirt palace into a place of style and integrity. Ok, maybe not integrity, but surely style.

One of the most essential things every bachelor pad needs may seem a bit motherly, but let me assure you that it is a necessity - a vacuum. That's right, a vacuum. It doesn't matter if it's a Dirt Devil or a Hoover or an Oreck, anything will do as long as you have it. Believe me, there will be at least a few instances in 2008 alone where you will really wish you had a vacuum. Example: You have a date and your living room is covered in dog hair, and you don't have a dog. A few pushes of a vacuum can temporarily fix this situation in seconds and you will not have to spend an hour explaining to your date why your living room was caked in dog hair even though you don't have a dog.

While the value of cleanliness can never be underestimated, neither can the importance of entertainment. In the past, the sign of an enlightened entertainment system was a wall stack of receivers, tape decks, CD players, equalizers and speakers the size of a refrigerator. Not anymore. In fact, these days one could argue that you need little more than a few advanced pieces of machinery to power an audiovisual oasis. Besides the pre-requisite iPod full of all the newest and coolest music, one should not be without Apple TV. Picture this. You have a lady over and you're sitting on the couch having a glass of wine. You ask her what she would like to watch. She replies, "The Notebook." Shit, you know you don't have that one, nor would you admit to it if you did, but there is no need to panic. You pop open your laptop, sign into iTunes and while you're in the kitchen refreshing your beverages the movie is downloading directly to your hard drive. Before you can say 'This sucks', you've passed the Interpol warning about copyright infringement and, for better or worse, onto "The Notebook." Smooth, right? I know. Never underestimate the power of Wi-Fi.

While it seems the resident of a bachelor pad may not cook very often, if ever, it is important to have at least a few items in your kitchen to cook with. Who knows you may even have to cook for someone special. If you're the kind of guy who eats out every night and whose fridge holds a couple eggs, a few beers and a half pint of OJ, there is only one thing you need to make your kitchen complete, a cast iron skillet. Believe me fellas, this thing is unreal, and this is coming from someone who didn't know how to do laundry until a year ago. Some have even claimed I didn't know how to boil water until I was 22, which is partially true, but hey, you live you learn. The thing about a cast iron skillet is you can cook nearly anything in it and it's absolutely fool proof. And I mean fool proof. You can cook eggs, grilled cheese, hamburgers, chicken, steak or whatever else it is that you want to grill up in a matter of minutes. The best part is you don't even have to clean it. Just soak it in some water and scrape the residue off and you're ready for round two. I know this seems silly but the cast iron skillet is like the iPhone of kitchenware, it does all the legwork so that you can be as lazy and stupid as you want. Literally throw some ingredients in there and you're bound to come up with something delectable.

In conclusion, there is one thing every true bachelor needs to christen his pad - a satin smoking jacket with your initials embroidered on the left breast and an ascot. If you don't have a smoking jacket, you might as well be living in your parent's basement in New Jersey.