Dan's Papers -December 19, 2008 - Err, A Parent

My partner and I almost missed the boat this holiday season. Fortunately, we were reminded of a tried and true, time-honored holiday tradition just 10 days before Christmas: Using Santa as a threat.

I don't know how we forgot. Certainly we were both brainwashed as children to believe that "If you're not a good girl, you won't get anything on your list ... Santa's watching ... You're going to get coal in your stocking."

Parents have been using "Santa as Big Brother" for years. After all, he sees you when you're sleeping. Aside from the creepiness factor of this concept, there is something very attractive about it. Somehow, it works. Just mention to a child who isn't listening, "Uh oh, I hope Santa isn't watching right now," and the offensive behavior will come to an end.

I've gone a step further with our son, explaining that Santa treats the Christmas list like an editor deals with a long story: Cut it from the bottom up. I've threatened our son by telling him that, when he disobeys, Santa exes off a present from the bottom of his list, and works his way up. Santa doesn't have time to go through every item and make a value judgment on what should stay and what could go. This is deadline, slash and burn editing, inverted pyramid style.

Apologies will get things back on the list. Declarations like "I was going to leave my cup on the table but I put it in the sink," or, my favorite recently, "I was going to hit you on the butt but I controlled myself," earns points too. Santa must have an easily erasable blue pencil.

The problem is, since we are relying heavily on the Santa angle for discipline, what do we do when Christmas is over? I'm growing as weary of time-outs as our son is. And threats of "If you don't do X then you won't get to do Y" are getting old for all of us.

In a parenting book, I learned a strategy that I've experienced as very effective, when I remember it. It's similar to a technique I learned in therapy when I lived in the city and everyone went to therapy. It goes like this: Your child doesn't want to leave a playground where he and his friends are having a ball. You validate that feeling: "I know you're having a good time and you really want to stay here with your friends." If he's within earshot, this will get his attention. Next is to identify with him. "I don't blame you. If I were playing here with all my friends I'd want to stay, too." I've found that this almost startles children into complacency. They just cannot believe you're looking at and taking their side. It's like stunning a lobster by putting it on ice before you steam it. At that point, the child is much more open to hearing, "But we really have to go. I'll tell you what. Why don't you play for another five minutes now, and we'll find out when we can meet everyone here again."

I'm telling you. This works.

The problem is remembering to use it. Obviously, since I learned it in therapy, it isn't something that was second nature to me. But when I go this route, it usually results in a very nice exchange with my son. When I employ it successfully, rather than threatening or guilt-tripping, it feels really good. I can only hope Santa is watching.