Dan's Papers -December 19, 2008 - Hampton Subway Newsletter

Week of December 19 to January 8, 2008
Riders this week: 7,411
Rider miles this week: 82,382
"Happy Holidays to Everyone" - the staff

Jon Stewart, Martha Stewart and Stewart "Mr. Broadway" Lane were talking together on the Sag Harbor platform on Tuesday. Our spy was not close enough to hear what they were talking about.

Subway Commissioner Aspinall, on his way back from Washington with $800 million in a suitcase that was the first installment of the government bailout money he had obtained for the Subway, apparently forgot to check this piece of luggage as he was boarding the Delta flight that would have taken him back to New York. The Delta flight was ordered back to Dulles by air traffic controllers shortly after takeoff when the pilot reported a disorderly and distraught subway commissioner misbehaving in his seat. But the bag, which had been left at the check in counter, was gone.

"I blame this entirely on Delta Airlines, and the media," the Commissioner said when he finally got back to LaGuardia empty handed. "I blame it on Delta because they charge $15 for every piece of luggage. I was arguing with the gate attendant when they announced the last call for boarding. So it got left behind. And I blame the media because when I came down to Washington to participate in bailout negotiations two weeks ago, I flew in our private jet and the media had a field day. So this time, I had to go on a commercial flight. If it hadn't been for the media, I'd never have been on Delta. And if I hadn't been on Delta, the money would be at our headquarters today."

Those who were present when the money was turned over to Aspinall by Ben Bernake, say that the money, 800 $1 million dollar bills, were counted three times, once by Bernake, once by George Bush and once by Aspinall before being placed in the brown suitcase. A $1 million dollar bill is the largest bill the government prints and is fully negotiable.

The Subway Board has called an emergency meeting for next Thursday to consider the situation. There is fear that with Aspinall unable to transport $400 million safely back to Hampton Bays, the remainder of the $1.6 billion bailout may be cancelled.

Dulles Airport police are looking for someone, a man or a woman, wheeling a brown suitcase with $400 million dollars in it. Anyone in Washington seeing such a person is asked to call 911. All calls will remain anonymous.

Forty-five Hampton Subway employees attended the annual company Christmas party at the main office in Hampton Bays. But with spouses, as an economy measure, not permitted this year, with no alcohol served because of insurance risks and because of Aspinall losing the $400 million, it was a rather somber occasion. Aspinall played the two Christmas carols he knows on the piano, as he does every year. They are "Silent Night," and "Jingle Bells."