Dan's Papers - December 21, 2007 - The Hampton Subway Newsletter

Delays: There will be a delay on the J Line between Southampton and North Sea and from North Sea to Sag Harbor from 4 to 6 a.m. on Saturday night as workmen repair a leak in the ceiling that has plagued riders on the North Sea platform on rainy days recently.

Invitation: The winner of the annual "Count the Cars" competition, where children are invited to guess the number of cars owned by Hampton Subway, will be taking place on Thursday, December 24, the day before Christmas, at 10 a.m., on the front steps of our Hampton Bays Administration Building. Everyone is welcome to attend. The winner of the contest will get a ride with Santa Claus on Christmas Day in the motorman's car aboard a Hampton Subway train. The name of the winner will be printed in the next issue of this newsletter, which will be on January 11, as we now take our annual two-week holiday break.

As I am sure you are aware, beginning last Monday, Hampton Subway embarked on a program to speed up all the trains on the line by 6 miles per hour in an effort to improve service on the line. We had been assured by officials from our engineering department that the increase, from the old top speed of 38 miles per hour to a new top speed of 44 miles per hour, would be well within the capabilities of the equipment, although it might be a little bumpier through several of the straightaways.

To facilitate this change, we posted signs throughout the stations with little smiley faces telling riders of the new speed improvement and asking for their cooperation. We also added a two-word message over the PA system, triggered to be announced just before these straightaways. The message was "Hold on please," and in the absence of a new "Voice of the Subway," we found these three words spoken on some of the old tapes by our recently deceased "Voice of the Subway" Gladys Gooding, and so were able to splice the tape bearing these words together and thus provide the message in the same tone of voice as all the other messages we are currently using.

Riders expressed delight at the added speed during the first three days of this experiment - we intended to try it for two weeks - but on the third day, we had reports at two different locations of elderly people suddenly having their false teeth fly out as we hit the bumps. Though everything temporarily missing was found and returned by Good Samaritan riders on the subway cars, in deference to our valued senior citizens and to avoid future embarrassment, we have decided to end this experiment.

The first art gallery opening ever held on a Hampton Subway platform ended in disaster last Saturday when police swooped in and arrested Giuseppe de Antonino of Milan, the artist being honored that afternoon, and took him away in handcuffs before over 200 astonished art gallery patrons on charges of theft of property. His three works at the show, all made up of luminous light bulbs held together by crazy glue in ten-foot mounds, were also hauled away by police officers, who said that these pieces were "evidence."

The show began ordinarily enough. At 5 p.m., as the gallery goers there on the western end of the Southampton platform munched on cheese and crackers, drank wine and talked excitedly about the artwork they were enjoying, Giuseppe remained among the missing, leaving Commissioner Aspinall to apologize for him and ensure that he would be there soon.

Finally, about half an hour into the exhibit, de Antonino came gliding down the escalator, accompanied by filmmakers, waving and smiling to cheers and applause, to be enveloped by the adoring crowd on the platform. He spoke loudly, first about a delay he experienced on the subway at Quogue, and then about his artwork, which he said was not only inspired by, but also made from, more than 2,000 light bulbs he had personally stolen from the light fixtures on the subway platforms during the past three weeks, virtually unnoticed.

"This is theatre. This is art," he shouted. And then the police closed in. Handcuffed, he raised his arms over his head and proclaimed, "My artistic rights are being violated. I have my artistic rights." And then they led him away while other policemen, after discovering the constructions of the light bulb mounds were bolted to the floor, began hitting them with billy clubs, which did detach them, but in the process scattered broken glass everywhere.

"They're FREE! They're FREE!" De Antonino shouted from the top of the escalator, again waving his handcuffs. "This is the Happening. This is an art event. This is a triumph," with the word triumph muffled by the hand of a police officer, which he bit. And that was the last anybody saw of him.

The show was now in chaos. The Commissioner tried to make a speech but was drowned out. The table with the wine and cheese fell over, with some of the wine and broken bottles dripping down onto the tracks, and with that the event ended and everyone made for the exits. de Antonino has been charged with 2,141 counts of theft, one for each light bulb, and if convicted could serve more than 114 years in jail. Attorney Bob Howe from the firm Findem, Cheatem and Howe bailed out de Antonino and declared him innocent because the light bulbs he was accused of taking were right there on the platform, and then brokered a compromise for his release, which consisted of him being transported back to Milan with the understanding that he never come back. He is now in Rome, declaring his show a triumphant success. Tomorrow he meets with the Pope.

I would like to apologize to our riders for the events of last Saturday afternoon on the Southampton platform. Although we got plenty of publicity from this event from the TV networks, the newspapers and web news services, I do consider that the minuses outweighed the plusses, particularly for the passengers on the 5:14 p.m. and 5:22 p.m. out of Westhampton Beach, which, filled with passengers because it was rush hour, failed to stop at Southampton because of the ruckus going on there, and instead thundered through to stop ten minutes later at Water Mill, so that the passengers, grumbling, had to switch trains and then ride the other way back to Southampton to get off on the far platform twenty minutes later. This was inexcusable.

As for de Antonino, I am proud to say that justice has been served. He has agreed to reimburse the subway for the 2,141 light bulbs he stole, out of the proceeds from the documentary made by the filmmakers who accompanied him to the art show, which has already been sold worldwide to Fox News and 20th Century Fox Pictures.

Our next show at the Southampton Underground Gallery, as we call it, will be on January 24, when we feature the work of Ingemar Brsk of Sweden, the noted pianist, contortionist and drip painter who has agreed to prepare for the show by coming to the United States and taking over the Miller Barn in Sagaponack where Mr. de Antonino worked and now has left. See you then.