Dan's Papers - December 21, 2007

Everybody knows what goes on at the North Pole this time of year. Santa Claus and the elves, tens of thousands of them, are busy making presents. The elves work in their workshops. Mr. Claus sits in his office nearby reading letters. Mrs. Claus cooks. There are reindeer, sleigh makers, present wrappers, sack weavers, toy makers, map makers, letter openers and, for the occasional little kid who shows up to see what is going on, a tiny guesthouse with goose down pillows, sugar cookies, candy canes and ice cream.

It's a busy place, the North Pole. But I bet you didn't know that right next door to the North Pole is a place that is even busier.

It is Chimney City. It's a hundred times the size of the North Pole. But it's only filled with activity for three days - the three days before Christmas. For it is in Chimney City that on those days a special tribe of ogres from all over the world, millions of them, assemble there to go through training and get their assignments for the annual chimney cleaning on Christmas Eve. It's the ogres' job to see to it that every chimney in the world is cleaned before Santa gets there.

It wouldn't do for Santa to finish his rounds looking like a mud rat, all covered with soot and cinders. No, can't have that.

You probably didn't know this, but there are more than ten million ogres in the world, living in every town, village and city on the planet. You don't see them, of course. That's because they live in dark basements behind furnaces. They're a strange breed, these ogres.

But the week before Christmas, if you look up, you will see the Chimney Ogres making their way across the sky on their way to Chimney City. They look like little specks way up there, flying in their fat, little airplanes in formations as they go.

They land at Chimney City International, and if you go there for a visit during this time, you'll see their little airplanes lined up in long rows next to the terminals for the three days they are there.

The ogres go through training the first day there - there are plenty of chimneys in Chimney City, which is why they call it that - and they practice by circling around in their little airplanes, and shimmying down ropes into the chimneys and spinning themselves around and around inside for a short bit. All the soot comes off the chimneys' insides. All the soot goes on the Chimney Ogres.

After the practice sessions the ogres take showers. There are a million showers in Chimney City. Just like there are a million practice chimneys in Chimney City.

The next day, after taking a brief written test in the big meeting hall, the Chimney Ogres line up to get their little green chimney cleaning licenses. Then they get measured and weighed. Around the world, there are big chimneys and little chimneys. So you need the big ogres for the big chimneys and the little ogres for the little chimneys. It makes perfect sense, don't you think?

After that, it's party time. All cleaned up, they dance and sing, stand around, drink spiked apple cider and, in the corners of the room, tell stories. And they do that for the rest of the day. It's fun being a chimney ogre.

Finally, the sun sets. There are ten million chimneys in the world, just as there are ten million Chimney Ogres. It's one ogre to every chimney. And that's because they all have to be done at once on Christmas Eve. After all, you never know where Santa is going to fly to first.

After, they are divided up into groups - Tiny, Small, Medium, Large, Extra Large and Extra Extra Large - and taken on busses back to Chimney City International Airport.

At the airport snack bar, they all drink coffee to sober up. Then, they show their new licenses to security, go out onto the runway where they are given a bag of snack, a name and address where their chimney is located - it could be in East Hampton or Westhampton or Kalamazoo or Timbuktu - and then escorted by airport elves down the long rows to their little airplanes. They start them up, wheel down to the end of the runway, and soon the control tower sends them on their way. They have to clean their chimney by midnight, just one hour after the kids inside the house go to sleep and just one hour before Santa arrives. It's a tough, demanding job. But it has to be done. After it is done, the Chimney Ogres, all dirtied up with soot, fly off to their little dens under the basement furnaces until next year.

On Christmas Eve, if you stay awake in bed late enough and pull the covers over your head, you might hear a soft buzzing sound coming from inside your chimney just an hour before Santa comes. If you hear the buzzing, count to ten. Your chimney will have been cleaned by then. And then you can go to sleep happy. For while you are asleep, Santa will come down your chimney and there will presents under your tree in the morning.

Next time, I'll tell you about the Measuring Pixies who go out from Pixie Village two weeks before the Chimney Ogres in order to measure up the chimneys. They have helicopters. They have folding rulers. And they have big boots with rubber spikes on the bottom, because some of the roofs where they land next to the chimneys would be too slippery otherwise. But that's another story.