Dan's Papers - December 14, 2007 - Twentysomething...By David Lion Rattiner

Underneath my oceanfront trailer at Ditch Plains in Montauk is a world of copper pipes. Like they do in all houses, these pipes carry water to the bathroom and kitchen so that when I'm thirsty I can get a drink, or when I need a shower I can take one, or when I, you know, I can send it away to a mysterious place that I make up in my imagination every time I go. My whole life, I've always viewed being able to have flowing water as sort of magical. I never knew how the water got there, I didn't know where it came from and to be honest, I didn't really care. All I knew is there were a bunch of pipes somewhere and that the water comes from the ground, or maybe there are little elves who, when it rains, hold out buckets and then carry the rainwater to some common holding tank where everybody in the town draws water from. Who knows, right?

For about a week now, I have been in a battle with nature, the Long Island Power Authority and my ability to "hold it" ever since the temperature dropped below freezing and one of the copper pipes underneath my trailer in Montauk burst. Freaking water was everywhere, and in the freezing cold, I went outside with boots on, a jacket and boxer shorts (what is wrong with me?), and snuggled underneath the trailer as freezing water spattered everywhere, and turned it off.

And so the nightmare began.

What really angered me about this was that I was totally aware that these pipes could burst with the cold, and had developed a system to prevent it from happening, which completely failed. My first line of defense is some insulation I installed last year that runs around the bottom of the trailer to keep the wind out. My second line of defense is electrical tape that I have running around the pipes, which is supposed to keep them from freezing. My third line of defense is to let the water drip, which I haven't been able to do since the drought in Georgia and my ggrowing sense of environmental guilt. Of course, my fourth line of defense is prayer, and I hate to admit this, but George W. Bush is the guy that has me doing this more than usual.

In any event, the best option is to plug in the electrical tape, but because I absolutely hate paying for electricity (it's free everywhere else I go except for my home!) I had a system set up so that I would only plug it in when I knew I was going to need water, and I would shut off the water and open the drain valve when I was sure I wasn't going to be there.

This is the system that completely broke down when I simply forgot the rule "righty tighty lefty loosey," and instead of turning the water off on a freezing day, I turned it all the way on. As my very Jewish Aunt Nancy would say, "Oy."

And so, one of the pipes burst, and out of spite, I have not fixed it just yet. Instead I wanted to see if I could operate without any running water through the house. I mean, who needs water anyway? It's not like I lost power to my television or my Internet connection. I can live without water, right?

Obviously, this is a dumb question, but it really is surprising how much you really, really need water. I mean, it's a big deal. Am I the only one that just figured this out? You need it for everything from cooking spaghetti to flushing the toilet, and when you've got to go and your house says to you, "Sorry pal, no water," you find yourself confused, frustrated and terrified. It's a real test of human stamina.

Can I just say something? Why in the world do you build a house with copper pipes, or any metal that breaks when water expands inside of it? It makes absolutely NO SENSE WHATSOEVER! Seriously, isn't there a flexible plastic out there that we could use for piping? Doesn't this make more sense? Is the world bananas?

Speaking of plastic, don't even get me started. I just read on CNN.com that some Canadian company is making it illegal to sell bottled water because there is a chemical in the plastic that gives you cancer and most bottled water companies use this type of plastic. What makes me nuts is that there is another way of creating plastic without this chemical that costs exactly the same.

Now I can't drink bottled water? What!? What!? And you can fix this chemical in the plastic problem!? I hate everything. I also need a shower.