Classic Cars

Virtually every car buff magazine on the stands has a section on automobile-oriented gifts for the holiday season. Year after year, they are always the same suggestions. This year, I’ve decided to write a column suggesting what NOT to buy car buffs for the holiday season. Just remember, I’m the arbitor of all things good and evil when it comes to anything related to automobiles. After all, I was the only one who originally called the Honda Ridgeline pickup truck one ugly puppy when it first appeared, the first auto scribe to call pedal shifters on steering wheels silly, and one of the few auto writers in America who seem to be shouting that large gas consuming engines in everyday cars are really a stupid idea.

DON’T BUY automotive GPS navigation systems. These devices are really great in airplanes and boats, where three quarters of the time pilots and sea captains don’t know where the hell they actually are. After all, there are no street or highway signs in the air or on the oceans. But in a car, ninety-nine percent of the time most drivers know where they are. I’ve had a GPS system in one of my cars for the last five years, and aside from the fact that it wows passengers, it serves very little practical use. The system can be made to prompt me in English, French or German, but I don’t speak French or German. I didn’t graduate from MIT with a master’s in computer programming, so I find the GPS quite user unfriendly. On one trip I couldn’t get the thing to stop shouting at me in German.

GPS navigation systems are also expensive. Mine was a $2,100 option. There are many after-market models one can buy in the five-hundred dollar range, which seem to be every bit as informative as the factory installed options, and it makes one wonder if perhaps auto manufacturers have found another gizmo with which to fleece the public. My biggest complaint about GPS systems is that I feel they are potentially dangerous, because you are inclined to take your eyes off the road. The best designed factory units sit atop the dashboard, in your line of sight with the highway. I would certainly not buy one that sat below the dash. Use common sense and a road map. Better yet, bring your wife along.

DON’ T BUY cheap tires. When you really think about it, the rubber on a tire is less than a sixteenth of an inch thick and the tire patch that is on the ground is only about eight inches long. Multiply this by four tires and the fact is that all you have holding your 180 MPH Porsche or Ferrari or your 6,000 pound SUV onto a tight curve is 32 inches of very thin rubber. This is, as they say, where the rubber meets the road. Tires are the most important part of a car’s safety system. All tires have a traction, treadwear and temperature rating on their sidewalls. These are important, especially traction and temperature. Be aware that the best handling tires usually are made of softer rubber compound than lesser road-gripping tires. They usually have a dismal life span and a low wear rating. Unless you are driving a high performance sports car, you don’t need a hyper performance tire. Look for a good compromise between wear and road grip. Any competent tire retailer can give you proper advice.

DON’T BUY an electric polisher. First of all, if you are inexperienced and use an electric polisher for the first time with the wrong type of polish, you can seriously damage the paint on your car. I know, I’ve been there and have actually rubbed through the clear coat and accidentally polished my car down to bare metal. My $59.95 polisher cost me $600 to have a professional fix my error and repaint the part of the car I damaged. Please be aware that dark colored cars are extremely hard to polish. Even by hand, they never seem to come out right. The best way to polish a car is to have a professional detailer do it. They know all the tricks. One polish job per year is usually enough.

DON’T tint your car windows darker than factory. Lots of folks darken their car windows because they think it looks cool. To me, it looks like you are either a sexual predator or a drug dealer. It certainly looks like you have something to hide. I’m always amused when I see a really expensive and beautiful car with blacked out windows. If I were that car owner, I’d certainly want every one to see me in that ride. Another fact: darkened windows really harm your night vision. Don’t ever try backing up a car with dark glass on a moonless night.

DON’T BUY super big aftermarket wheels. I know the latest craze is for 17, 18, 19 and even 20-inch wheels. First of all, these wheels are usually quite expensive, and on many vehicles they make the car look like a pimp-mobile. Secondly, and most important, have you factored in what tires will cost you for these size wheels? Some of these tire sizes are stupid expensive. By stupid expensive I mean they can cost as much as $400 a piece. Also, if you drive often in the pothole capital of the world, New York City, you are bound not only to ruin your expensive tires, but also damage your cartoon-like wheels. Choose wisely. Happy Holidays.

Bob Gelber, an automotive journalist living in the Hamptons, appears regularly on television as an automotive expert. You can email him at bobgelber@aol.com