Scrimshaw

A scrimshawed elephant tusk, estimated to be worth about $3,000, was stolen from a glass cabinet at a local vendor’s store in Sag Harbor. Employees of the store told authorities that a similar scrimshawed tusk was stolen from the same cabinet twelve years prior to the incident. Needless to say, the employees that work at this store are very loyal. Also needless to say, somebody is building a life-sized model of an elephant with scrimshawed tusks. Very, very slowly.

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Party House

A very unhappy man in Water Mill called police after determining that somebody had entered his home and held several parties at the location from late October through all of November. The owner of the house told police that beer cans, wine bottles and other physical evidence had been left at the home by the partiers. He also found that strange phone calls had been made from his house phone. Perhaps he just didn’t get the invitation.

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What An Ass

Some drunk guy in Hampton Bays was arrested after he was seen yelling obscenities in the parking lot of a shopping center. He then went up to a patrol car and damaged the rear window of the car by smashing his own head into it.

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Dump Truck

Police pulled over the driver of a dump truck and arrested him for driving while intoxicated. Police recovered evidence of the crime in the form of empty beer bottles gathered from the back of the truck.

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Creepy Guy

At about five in the morning a woman in East Hampton was hanging out at home when she saw a man walk in the door of her apartment. The man then proceeded to sit next to her on the couch. The woman called police, but did not press charges on the man. It is pretty safe to say, however, that this guy is a total weirdo.

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Bad Boy

Police were called when a boy refused to leave an Internet lounge in East Hampton after he was caught looking at porn on the Internet. Finally, the boy’s mother took him home, and hopefully, took away his computer privileges.

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Thirteen Inches?

A Springs man reported to police that somebody had entered his home and stole a thirteen-inch television set. Thirteen inches? That thief did you a favor, buddy.

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Doh!

An angry resident called police after he watched his next-door neighbor begin building a fence in the middle of his driveway. After further investigation, police determined that neighbor did, in fact, own that part of the property, and that he had the right to build whatever he wanted on it.

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Library Break In

Somebody broke into the library in Greenport and stole about $200 in cash and a digital camera. How one steals from a library is beyond me. That’s like stealing from a food pantry. It’s just low, even for a criminal.

–Written and Compiled by David Lion Rattiner