Dan's Papers - December 7, 2007 - The Hampton Subway Newsletter

Delays: There will be fifteen-minute delays along the D Line in Amagansett this week for routine track repairs.

HELP OUT: If anyone sees the individual or individuals who have been stealing light bulbs or if you have been stealing the light bulbs from the station platforms during this past week please call 631-SUBWAY1. You will not have to give your name.

CONGRATULATIONS: to Merry Harding, age 22, who has won the first round and is now a semi-finalist in the contest to determine the new "Voice of the Hampton Subway," which was made necessary by the passing of Gladys Gooding last month.

THANK YOU: to our wonderful Hampton Subway maintenance crew who at 3 in the morning cleaned up the Montauk platform after our raucous annual Christmas party held last Saturday night. It was made necessary at the last minute because of the walk-off-the-job performed by the hired caterers for the party at that hour, and you can be sure we will never again hire Fantastic Affairs Caterers for anything that has to do with the Hampton Subway system. And to those who chose to dance on the tables naked towards the end there, I can only say, may the force be with you.

HELP WANTED: Resumes are still being accepted for the new "Voice of the Hampton Subway." Successful applicant will be female, between the ages of 18 and 45, foreign accent free and with the ability to announce the upcoming stations over the PA system in a clear, friendly voice. Must be willing to travel to Hollywood to participate in the contest. Call 631-SUBWAY1 or 212-343-1111 and when you reach the Fox Network, ask to be transferred to the "Hampton Subway" show.

HAMPTON SUBWAY CONTEST BOUGHT BY FOX TV. SEE IT EVERY WEDNESDAY NIGHT AT 10 P.M. AFTER "KITCHEN NIGHTMARES"

The local East End contest held to determine who will be the next "Voice of the Hampton Subway" has been picked up by Fox. Tryouts for future episodes of "Hampton Subway," as the program is to be called, will be taking place at the Fox Studios in Hollywood, California, with the program being aired on Wednesday night at 10 p.m.
Merry Harding, 22, of Southampton won the first round last week, beating out eight other contestants at the LTV studios in Wainscott. She will now wait to find out who will be the other finalists as the show progresses. There will be six in total. And so, if you include the semi-final selection down to three contestants and then the final, there will be eight weekly programs on Fox in all, the six preliminary rounds (the first already won by Merry, lucky girl) and the rest to be determined during the next two months with the final show airing February 3. Tune in! The rest of the country will be!

I want to report briefly on several different topics.
First of all, the disgruntled conductor who at the Christmas party commented that the red pocketbook that my wife carried as part of her outfit for the party looked very much like the pocketbook found on the tracks in Westhampton last month, and subsequently was kept in the lost and found, has been fired. He should not report to work drunk, even if the work was the Christmas party, for which, because we demand attendance from all employees, we pay overtime. I do not have to mention this fellow by name.
This red pocketbook was a different red pocketbook, and even if it was the same one, after thirty days everything in the lost and found that is not picked up belongs to the Hampton Subway, and so can be claimed by an employee. That is our policy. What are we supposed to do, simply keep the things found on the subway forever? We'd have mountains and mountains of stuff. Rest assured that the personal contents of the red pocketbook, whatever they were, according to the rules of privacy, were not looked at by anybody, but were placed in a manila envelope by someone who looked the other way and then put the envelope in the safe for safekeeping with the words "Red Pocketbook" on the front. The contents are there today.
Secondly, to those who said we could have made a lot of money selling the "Voice of the Hampton Subway" show to Fox missed the point. The Hampton Subway will now be known from coast to coast. It will increase ridership. People will come from all over just to ride our subway and to hear the voice of Merry Harding, or whoever it is who wins, say, "Next stop Hampton Bays," and "Watch out for the closing doors," and so forth and so on. This was, is and will be our payment for years and years to come.
Finally, in response to riders' requests that we try to speed things up a bit with our subways, we have decided that for the next three weeks we will order the increase to the top speed of all subway trains as they wend their way from station to station. Currently, the top speed is 38 miles per hour. We will have the motormen take the trains up briefly to 42 miles per hour. The ride might be a bit bumpier for a short time at this speed because the subway cars were not built for 42 miles per hour, so hold on to your hats. But rest assured the engineers have told me that there is absolutely no danger whatsoever in increasing the subway speed by this tiny bit for the sake of having things go a little faster.
I presented this to the board at our weekly meeting on Thursday, and the vote was 3 to 2 for the go ahead on this.