Three months ago, some of the officials in the state of New Jersey pulled off a big surprise. Up in the sports complex of the Meadowlands, a giant ripcord was pulled, some parachute fabric fell to the ground, and the entire side wall of the brand new sports arena was revealed to show ten-foot letters.

“THE BRENDON BYRNE ARENA,” these letters read.

The surprise had been absolutely complete. No one in the entire State, except for a handful of officials, knew that the new sports arena was going to be dedicated to the outgoing governor of the State.

“It is a going away present,” an official said at the unveiling.

And though the naming of the arena in this unusual manner has provoked controversy since then, the name still stands, clearly visible to passing motorists on the New Jersey Turnpike three miles away, and on a clear day, even visible from the skyscrapers of Manhattan.

Under the circumstances, it occurred to this newspaper to investigate whether such a surprise is in the works for the new South Fork bypass, which was announced at a press conference in Hauppauge three weeks ago. The bypass, which will connect Shinnecock with Amagansett, will cost tens of millions of dollars and, if approved, will take five years to build. Certainly it is a project worthy of a major name. Yet, as of this writing, none has been publicly forthcoming.

We assigned three investigative reporters to this task and for two weeks they got nowhere. Then, just two days ago, one o four reporters came in with a very interesting roll of film.

“I took it through the window of an airplane hangar in Westhampton Beach,” he said.

What was on this film were two groupings of giant steel letters, each ten feet high. “HUGH” was what one of the groupings read. “DRIVEW” is what the other read. Could it be?

We took these photographs to a high-ranking official in the State Highway Department and, indeed, he confessed all. The “HUGH” is for “HUGH L. CAREY” and the “DRIVEW” is the first part of the word “DRIVEWAY.”

“The name is to be erected on a giant metal archway that will arc across the road at its beginning in Shinnecock. Motorists will pass right through it.”

The Hugh L. Carey part we understood, since it was Governor Carey who made the proposal that the road be built. But what about the “Driveway” part?

“As you must know,” the official said, “Governor Carey has a summer home on Shelter Island. If you follow the route of the bypass, you see that the bypass serves as a direct route to Governor Carey’s house. He no longer will have to stop at the traffic lights of Southampton, Water Mill and Bridgehampton. He can now go absolutely direct. Almost right to his door.”

The Governor, we were told, knows nothing of this plan. It was supposed to be a surprise.

“I guess the cat is out of the bag now,” the official sighed.

In any case, this newspaper is glad to be able to reveal this information for the first time. Most local people seem to be opposed to the building of the new highway, since they cannot see where it will alleviate the traffic situation on the Montauk Highway but simply exacerbate the problem, bringing more people into the area. Now that it is clear the road really does have a legitimate purpose, we have little doubt that all opposition will be dropped.

Understanding Pro Football

By Dan Rattiner

We were sitting watching a football game between the New York Jets and the Green Bay packers on TV.

“This is a very important game,” he said. “If Green Bay wins then Green Bay makes the playoffs and the Jets do not. And the New York Giants chances are reduced to less than one in five.”

“The Giants?” I said. “I thought the game was between the Jets and the Packers?”

“It is. But the outcome of this game affects the New York Giants. If the Jets lose then the Giants are up the creek. If the Jets WIN, however, then the Giants are GUARANTEED of making the playoffs.”

“I thought the Jets hated the Giants.”

“They probably do. But if the Jets win, then the JETS make the playoffs as well. So it is in their interest. On the other hand, even if Green Bay loses, they could still make the playoffs.”

“They could?”

“Well it is a long shot. In another league, the Miami Dolphins are playing the Buffalo Bills. Both of these teams have ALREADY qualified for the playoffs, although, whichever team wins, wins the Conference Championship.”

“Do they get anything for that?”

“No. As I said, they’re both in the playoffs. But the interesting thing is how their game affects Green Bay. If Green Bay loses and Miami wins then Green Bay still doesn’t get into the playoffs.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Where Green Bay lucks out is if Miami and Buffalo play to a tie. In that case, figuring some complicated mathematics, then Green Bay DOES get a playoff spot.”

“Only if there is a tie.”

“And only if Green Bay loses. Incidentally, there is another very important game on TV right after this one. It is between the two worst teams in professional football, the Baltimore Colts and the New England Patriots. They are playing for first choice in next year’s College Player Draft.”

“The winner gets the first choice?”

“No, the loser gets it. The worst team in football gets the first choice of all the graduating seniors. It gives them quite an advantage.”