The Sheltered Islander By Sally Flynn

Sheltered Islander #426
007...License to Kill

The new Bond movie has a new, very hunky Bond and the benefit of special effects. I’m kinda glad. I know Bond is the quintessential misogynist, egocentric, irascible bad boy with a good heart. If he were an actual person in real life, his inability to emotionally connect, commit, or even reliably participate in your life would make you cut the brake lines on his speedy car yourself. Still, there’s a strange existential appeal to a person who lives by their own rules and never gets caught. I think that’s why men and women love Bond. For men, it’s the guy they wish they could be. For the women, it’s the one we can’t tame, but it sure is fun to try.

But what about the other “double 0’s”? What levels come before 007? Do you have to go through each level, like getting to a Black Belt?

001 – License to Nag: 001 allows you to nag in any fashion you can create. You might ask the same question over and over in different forms. There’s so many ways to nag, and it only takes a little imagination. Nagging allows you to follow people through the house restating your opinions over and over until they capitulate. It takes focus and perseverance to wear the enemy down. In time, they will do anything you ask if you just shut up! Then, they are putty in your hands.

002 – License to Yell Real Loud: 002 seems to work better for men than women. Men have that nice deep voice that can be heard through slammed bathroom doors. A loud yeller can be very intimidating. It makes the victim think they might go over the deep end at any time.

003 – License to Silence: More intimidating than yelling, the silent treatment. As a 003, you can refuse to speak to people for days while giving them hateful looks. Very effective. If you don’t talk, they don’t know what you’re thinking... are you planning to make cookies or torch the house?

004 – License to Smack: This is the first level where you get to hit people. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as a stinging slap. As a 004, you can administer one head twisting smack, or smack back and forth till you see teeth fly, it’s really up to you. What a pleasure to slap people who really need it; like people who cut lines, people who are holding up the drive-up banking line; shoppers who are still deciding at the checkout which color blouse they want. You perform a real public service when you give this person a wake-up smack.

005 – License to Beat Senseless: The 005 level allows you to beat senseless anyone who is assigned to you for a beating or anyone you see who deserves one. When you see a Porsche park in a Handicapped space and an able-bodied male pops out, you can beat him till he IS disabled enough to qualify for the space. When you get your order from a fast-food drive through and the order is wrong, if you go in and they argue with you, as a 005, you can beat them with their French fries basket until they remake your entire order and give it to you for free. Many people choose to stop at the 005 level because they get all the advantages of the 007 level in terms of coercing people, without having to qualify with all those weapons. What’s the real advantage of being able to assemble a Baretta handgun in the dark and underwater and having to kill the person, when a simple beating to within an inch of their life will get the point across without having to stop what your doing for body disposal? Leave them alive so they can crawl away....

006 – License to Be Passive Aggressive: Far more powerful than nagging, being silent, smacking or beating people is being passive aggressive. Pouring bleach on someone’s clothes, slashing tires, leaving the seat up, erasing messages...all done anonymously, of course. What better way to drive anyone nuts than to act out and not give the other person a clue about what they’ve done to irritate you, or an opportunity to work it out? When they blame other people for the action, you can foment their anger with encouraging gossip. Then sit back and enjoy the satisfaction of them decking an innocent party.

007– License to Kill. Everyone thinks this is the big deal level. But it’s really reserved for those who washed out of 006....