Week of November 17 - 23, 2008
Riders this week: 6,812
Rider miles this week: 71,545

DOWN IN THE TUBE

Paris and Nicki Hilton were seen on the Southampton platform last weekend, probably out here visiting mom and dad. Barack Obama was secretly out here with his wife and kids, surrounded by secret service men, with both the front and back of the car cleared of people as they went from Westhampton Beach and a meeting with Rabbi Schneier to a confab with the Furmans at their home near the Sag Harbor stop. But don't tell anybody.

THE BUM CAR

Hampton Subway inaugurates this week the new "bum" car, where people without any money to pay at the turnstiles could ride the subway anyway in this shabbily configured car at the back end of each subway train.

The car will have no seats, but you will be able to sit on hay bales in it. Also, be aware that the maintenance on this car will take place just once every three months, so it might smell badly during its last two weeks. (Dates of maintenance will be handwritten on a list on the inside of the car wall as required by law.) Also there's no supervision on the car, so you are on your own. Also, on this car, we are shutting off the loud speaker, so you won't be able to tell what station the train is about to stop at. Other then all that, it should be just as good as any of our other cars. And it adds a new dimension to the service we offer. No other subway in the country offers this service, says our commissioner Bill Aspinall. It's a plus.

SUITCASE STILL LOST

The suitcase filled with a quarter million dollars in $1,000 bills that a man said two weeks ago was accidentally left on a seat on the Southampton to Water Mill run is still missing. Anyone finding it please call Arlen Bangsten at Goldman Sachs in New York City. There will be no questions asked.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL'S MESSAGE

Due to the downturn in the national economy, fewer riders seem to be able to afford to get through the turnstiles at our regular prices these days. As a result, revenue for the subway is down and we are forced to take some unhappy measures. This week, we are announcing a layoff of 842 people, which is a little over half our staff. We are appealing to riders to volunteer for these posts, so we don't have to lay off any more people. We are particularly interested in finding people who have the skills to drive subway trains. Our motormen were the most highly paid of our employees and so they are the first to go.

You should know that I, personally, am going to lead the way in these layoffs. I am going to sign each and every one of the 842 pink slips myself, and not only sign them, but write a warm, personal note and, if possible, shed a tear. All these people, we know, will surely be missed by the few rest of us that remain.

As for my salary, if it weren't for the fact that the subway system cannot possibly get along without me, I would be laying myself off too, you may be sure. As it is, I have been asked by myself and have agreed to take a 3% across the board cut in my salary. We all have to do our part.

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