Dan's Papers - November 7, 2008

Last week's column on the death of a family pet touched on the subject of how and what to tell a child. In the delicate process of helping children deal with loss and grief, the circumstances of the death play a big role. Was it an "old-age" related or sudden death? Did the family have to make the decision to put the animal down? How a pet dies is an important piece of the story.

Some pets grow old and infirm, becoming less and less a part of the family activities. In this case, a child experiences a slow, natural loss of an erstwhile constant companion. In other cases, the loss may be sudden due to an accident or a terminal illness that requires a difficult decision. Our situation was the latter. Ruby, our Golden, had been quite healthy - the cancer she suffered from had a quick onset and was very aggressive. It wasn't a slow deterioration, which is sometimes easier to deal with. In her case, it was quite sudden. One day she was swimming with us in the pool. The next day, we were at the animal hospital, and a few hours later, she was gone.

Like many families, we were put in the position to choose. In our case, it was a clear answer. The vet called from the operating room to tell us the extent of the illness. He said he could do an operation and "recover" her; but that another organ would fail - in a month, a week, even a few days. Faced with the decision of bringing home a very sick dog that would be in pain and debilitated from an operation, and keep her in the house on a death watch with a five year old boy, we chose euthanasia. Because she was already sedated in the hospital, we requested that they do it then and there. They asked if we wanted to pick up the body for burial at a pet cemetery. We opted instead to have them dispose of the remains.

Painful stuff. And more painful to explain to a child. Because of the circumstances, we told our son that Ruby died from the sickness (which, ultimately she soon would have) rather than telling him that the vet expedited the matter. But in many cases, the kids are at the vet with the pet when the decision has to be made, and the parents must decide if the child should witness the event. Most vets won't allow a child under five to be in the room when the pet is put down. And many vets, and shrinks, feel that it is inappropriate for children up to 13 or so. Witnessing the event of euthanasia is rarely constructive or helpful for children.

Children under five have a hard time understanding the finality of death as it is, and may be completely freaked out by the use of the phrase "put to sleep" as a metaphor for death. When euthanasia is the decision, child psychiatrists recommend honesty: Young children should be told that the pet will not "wake up"; older children need to know exactly why that decision was made. Experts also recommend trying to reassure child with the concept that, although deciding to put the animal down is difficult, it means that the pet is no longer in pain. Then, depending on your spiritual leanings, you can talk about the pet being happy in "dog heaven" or some other version of the spirit world.

As I mentioned last week, it helped our son when we mentioned that, when he grew up, maybe he could help find a cure for the illness that took his companion. We also told him that even though Ruby was gone, no one could ever take away the wonderful happy memories he had.

But, it was our experience that the "memories" concept went only so far. When he cried, "I don't want to remember her, I want to hug her," we were at a loss for any more words. The only thing to do at that moment was to hug him.