Dan's Papers - November 7, 2008 - Energy Drinks. What They Do. What They Say.

Coffee, Five Hour Energy, Monster, Rock Star, the list goes on and on. Our pursuit of feeling energized all of the time so that we can be more productive seems endless. I've been an avid coffee drinker all of my life. I started drinking coffee during my freshman year in college when I read an article that it helps ward off Parkinson's disease, which my grandfather passed away from.

Since then I have been fascinated with the effects of caffeine, and I've noticed that the rest of the country is, too. The rise of energy drinks is the result of my generation. Red Bull was the first, and when it came out, I was afraid to drink it. What could possibly be in it? It must be illegal. People will probably die from it, I thought.

I've hesitated to try almost all energy drinks and products until this year, because, well, I've noticed that my energy has gone down tremendously, most likely from not exercising enough. I've tried nearly every energy product, even pills. Here are my results.

Coffee: At this point in my life, one cup of coffee is more of a tradition then anything else. I feel no pep from coffee anymore, unless it's roasted at my house with one cup equaling four or five spoonfuls of Maxwell House. I drink coffee black now in the mornings, really just for the hell of it and because it makes me feel adult. But as an energy booster, I rate this very low.

Red Bull: Pointless. It tastes like crap, is high in sugar and has lost its danger appeal since, after many trials, I've felt no real boost. I can't believe the product still sells.

Sugar Free Red Bull: Equally effective as regular Red Bull, but about as tasty as licking the floor of a basketball court.

Two Shots of Espresso, straight up: Effective for a boost, but I tend to collapse after an hour or two. Literally, I'll be talking to somebody and then collapse on the floor, unwakeable for three hours.

B-Vitamins: Surprisingly effective, but nothing too exciting. B-12 complex in the morning, the more the better, does provide a boost.

Stackers Pills: Tried these once. I was a raging lunatic. I felt no pain at the gym (I think there is aspirin in the pills on top of caffeine and B vitamins). These pills also have guaranara and ginseng. All of this in one pill does give you a lot of energy, but it is a scary, "I want to beat that guy up" amount. The weird thing about these pills is that, in general, the guys who take them want to beat people up anyway. Also, the yellow color makes me uncomfortable.

5 Hour Energy: Love it! I love it! I cannot say enough about 5 Hour Energy. It gives you a boost just like it says it does, you feel alert and awake and you don't crash. The taste is terrible, but you just have to swig it and you're all good. It's also expensive for one shot, like three bucks. But if you are not in the mood to drink coffee I recommend this with breakfast. I drink it when I have a big day planned or if I'm just in the mood to really be productive.

6 Hour Energy: I'm at a loss for words. Instead of "Eight Minute Abs" we now have "Seven Minute Abs." I won't try this stuff out of principle.

Monster Energy Drink, Rock Star Energy Drink, and any other energy drink marketed to kids: Completely, utterly, stupidly useless. First of all, I feel like I'm five years old drinking this stuff because it's marketed to teenagers. I also feel like an idiot walking around with a can of it in public. Who am I? Some punk kid trying to look tough by drinking an energy drink to prove that he's radical? Grow up. This is in the league of Red Bull in terms of usefulness, but worse because of the social stigma. Drinking something like this in public says, "Yes, I have nothing better to do except to try and get buzzed off of an energy drink and I don't have a job because I'm freaking 13 years old!" Why do teenagers need energy drinks? THEY'RE TEENAGERS! HAS THE WORLD GONE BANANAS!?