Dan's Papers - November 7, 2008

When you go on a trip, there are certain niceties that you expect when you stay at a hotel. People will wish you a nice day. They will, at a better hotel, say I hope you enjoy your stay. Over the years, I have learned that at the very best hotels, the people might say, "Right away, sir," or even, "Very good, sir," both of which are in the very upper reaches of politeness, but are so British as to be excused.

The other day, however, while on vacation, I heard something new that has begun to creep into the lexicon of the hotel help.

I was in the lobby and a man came over from the bar to the front desk. He seemed to be in some minor distress. "I have to use the bathroom," he said.

"Excellent," the clerk said. He almost fell over himself in giddy delight at the brilliance of this man's utterance. Then he pointed him to the location of this contrivance.

Now, I have written in the past about some of the new words that have arrived into the vocabulary of upper class service establishments. For example, I wrote a few years ago about the recently arrived word "enjoy" that entered the lexicon of waiters at fine restaurants.

I had no objection to "enjoy" except that I felt it was being used as a complete sentence when, obviously, it was not. "Enjoy your dinner," had been used up until that time. Now it was just "enjoy." Something new. Soon to be placed into the dictionary when they update things there.

"Excellent," however, particularly when used at a hotel, is another matter. It absolutely brings me up short when I hear it used. It is a word reserved for a whole other category than what it is being used for.

When my kids were little, an "excellent" on a report card was, well, "excellent." It was better than "very good" and it was far better than "satisfactory." To be excellent was to be something that was as good as it gets. You could take great pride in having brought home a report card that said you were excellent. There was simply nowhere else to go as far as going up was concerned.

I concede that under certain circumstances, the word "excellent" could be used at a hotel. For example, if I give someone a $50 tip on a $100 bill, he might smile and say "excellent." Not that I have ever done that, but if I did, well, you get the idea.

To use "excellent" as a response to anything I might do or say at a hotel in the belief that a click of the heels and the word "excellent" would reconfirm that this is a five star hotel is just bizarre.

"It's just one bag. I'll carry it to the room myself."

From what I can tell, the managers of certain five star hotels now teach the staff to use this new word. I think it comes from the way staff is expected to behave toward, for example Omar Kadaffi, when he might come to the hotel.

"My wives will stay in the penthouse suite."

"Excellent, your highness."

Kadaffi, or any other petty dictator, could conceivably have somebody shot if they said something he did not like. Indeed, whatever he might say IS excellent.

Kadaffi passes wind.

A click of the heels follows. "Excellent."

I think that for others, and I include myself in the category of others, the truth is that we sometimes utter things that do not deserve to be called by that name. We have paid a bunch of money. And that's it.

"I would like to have a room with queen beds," I might say.

That is not excellent.

It is nice to be treated in a polite and friendly and courteous manner. It is no help to be using this word excellent all the time because it could lead to a wild distortion of an unsuspecting guest's moral compass.

Or maybe I am missing something. Perhaps what is really going on here is that the staff is trying to convey to us that they are not only a five-star hotel, but actually a six-star hotel, where the vast majority of people who come in are so important and so brilliant and so successful that, indeed, no matter what they say must be immediately agreed with, complimented and then acted upon without delay.

And so it is just what they do and, well, it has spilled over into the likes of you.

"I want that fellow sitting in the armchair in the lounge removed. I'd like to sit there and I would like to be alone."

I'm up in the room as I write this. Frankly, I am afraid to go down. What if, by accident, I actually say this?